Alone on a Friday night

Well, this is a first in a long time. I'm home alone on a Friday night and tired for some reason. I did have night planned, but the person I asked out told me he'd have to get a raincheck on it since he's got an allergic reaction. Geez, 2 nights in a row. I'm starting to think he's being very polite and not want to hang out with me. Well that just sucks. I always think that as soon as potentials guys get to know me, they tire of me quickly. Am I really that eccentric or boring? I don't know. At least my friends and family tolerate me, or they could even love me.

Yes, I'm in one of those moods again. It's seriously starting to bug me. I hate being all emotional, depressed, and tired. I didn't really do much today, but my emotional levels are peaking so I get exhausted. I wish I had more meaningful or inspiring words to blog about, but this is what helps me deal. I wish I had someone here that could really understand me. I wish my friend Leira was here. She's awesome and I miss her. I wish I got to see her before she left for Arizona, because by the time she gets back to Guam I'll be in back in Washington. I really wish Dec 10th would come sooner so at least I'll already be there and this anticipation/depression of leaving would be over.

If I'm going to bitch I might as well bitch about everything else. Today I was looking at colleges to transfer to for my Bachelors degree and it was a damn pain. The original college I planned on transfering to isn't offering any of the classes I need for my degree. I'm beginning to change my mind about majoring in computers now. I'm thinking about majoring in business now. I need to make up my mind. At least back when I was going into the medical field, I knew that I wanted to be a nurse and that was my passion. Now that I have to choose another career path, I have no idea what I would be good at doing. I don't want to be an office assistant until I retire. That would be really lame. Hmm...maybe I'll go for a paralegal certification and work in law. I knew a few people who really like it. I have no clue as to what I want to do in life anymore. All I do is question everything.

Maybe someday it'll come to me. I hope that someday is soon. Heck, I guess I could even say that I hope that I meet my soulmate too. Dating sucks!!! That's all I'm going to say about that. I think my insecurities are kicking in again. Why am I like this? Damn it! Where's my guiding angel?! Or where is my guiding light?!

Ah screw it. I'm going to taking some sleeping aides and go to bed before I get all teary-eyed like this past Sunday. Ugh! I just feel so blah.

Good night, sweet dreams, and be restful.

Stood up with chicken curry

The time is 2302 on the 30th of December. So, tonight I had plans with someone I really like, but due to him tutoring, he couldn't make it. Basically, I got stood up. He did end up finally calling at 2218, saying he just made it home and he's wiped out. The tutoring lesson that was suppose to last a couple hours during the early evening ended up lasting until later in the night. That sucks.

Being excited about this guy coming over, I decided to make his favorite dish, chicken curry. I haven't cooked like this in a long time and was worried I'd totally screw up dinner. Well, it didn't matter because I was the only one that ended up eating it. I made a whole bunch too. At least, I thought it was pretty good. It was probably a little to spicy, but that's the way curry should be like. I even went as far as making as authentic as possible. I made Indian chicken curry.

I'm not mad at him since the excuse why he stood me up is legit, but I can't help but be frustrated. My time here in Guam is short and I just wanted to spend a little bit more time with him. Is that too much to ask for? I hate thinking that I have such bad luck, but it's kind of hard not to. Well, I'm just taking what I can get and this is what I can get.

Being as lame as I am, I'm sitting here posting a new blog about how frustrated I am and watching Beauty and the Geek on MTV. Someone just smack me. Wow. They really found some geeky looking guys for this show. Did I mention that I'm a closet geek?! *laughs* Sorry, I had to change the subject, because I just want to be in a better mood. Hmmm...to think, I gave up Latino night at Denial just to get stood up and have a whole bunch of chicken curry in my frig.

Anyways, tomorrow is Friday or at least in less than an hour so, I'm hoping that it will be a good weekend. This Sunday signifies that I have a week left on island. I hope those gifts I ordered online get here next week before I leave so I can give them to my friends.

Ok, I'm done venting. I guess I'll just finish watching Beauty and the Geek now. Esta later.

Where's my "Dear Abby"? Where's my angel?

I really hate when I feel depressed. I always question everything in my life. I think too much and it really bugs me. I titled this entry "Where's my 'Dear Abby'? Where's my angel?" because many times I seem to be able to listen and help people with their problems, but I can never help myself. Everyone needs someone and I just can't seem to find that someone for me. I'm never comfortable telling people how I feel or what's bothering me. I just tell them bits and pieces, but never really tell them the whole story. I guess I'm just too embarrassed about showing my true emotions. Someone I met before told me that I'm very good at reading everyone's emotions, but I have a hard time dealing with my emotions. She really read me like a book. It's hard for me to understand how I'm feeling. My emotions are always so mixed up or incomprehensible.

A friend just recently told me that fate brought us back together and sent me to be her angel. That made me feel really special, but I can't help but wonder who will be my angel. For some reason, I'm feeling very emotional tonight. It's so bad that I can't sleep. I start thinking about where I am in life and if I'm headed in the right direction. I feel so lost.

I could go on and talk about all my failed relationships and state that I will never find Mr. Right, but that will just depress me even more. I could go on to say that I met someone here in Guam and that he's the type of guy I've always wanted to be with, but the story is going to end sadly. Or it could be one of the many flings I tend to get into before I leave every place I've been too. I'm enjoying every moment I spend with him, but it keeps reminding me that we can never go further than what it is right now....a fling. I'm leaving and he's staying. It seems like the fates or the higher power or whatever you want to call it, love to make me miserable and give me just a little taste of something I deeply crave for. I guess some things never change for me. I have to make the best of what comes my way. It's quite sad. I thought I had made up for my past mistakes already, but I guess karma isn't done with me yet.

I feel like I just want to be held by someone and just cry. The person doesn't even have to say anything, but hold me as I cry my eyes out. I seriously need to be heavily medicated right now or something. *laughs*

I'm probably just feeling this way because I'm leaving another place that I love and I was just getting used to being here. I'm always leaving or moving at the wrong time. For once I just want to feel like I have some control in my life. I thought blogging this would help me feel better but it doesn't. I better just try and get some sleep. Maybe I'll feel better in the morning.

So where's my F*CKEN Dear Abby and my guiding angel? HELP ME!!!

*FYI: I may be depressed, but I'm not going to do anything stupid so friends please don't be worried. This will past and I will be back to my jolly 'ole happy self or at least be a good actor and fake it. :-)

Crush on a gay? straight? or Bi? Guy?

*Due to DL (down low = discrete) status, the pic and this entry has been deleted. I got my answer and I'm enjoying every moment I can with him. :-)

If you refer to the entry about Romance before this one then you'll know that my predictions were correct about meeting someone before I leave. Leave it to fate to F*CK with me, but I can't really complain because I take what I can get and when you are me then you learn to live with it. I'll talk about this on another entry.

My knee...OUCH!

My soccer game tonight was a bit rough, at least it was to me since I got taken out. Some guy that I don't remember came sliding in toward the goal and crashed into my knee. The odd part was that the ball was no where near him or me and the referees didn't see what happened. What a F*CKEN joke?! ARE YOU BLIND?! Anyways, I'm all bitter about it because it's the 2nd to last game and I don't know if I'll heal in time for the last game next Sunday. Also, I doubt I'll be able to play indoor soccer this coming Tuesday and Wednesday. You know what that means? No CARDIO and I get fatter. By the time I go back to Washington, I'll be a blimp. YES, I'm gay. *laughs*

There was something good that came of the injury though. My crush since I've been here helped me to my car. He made me lean on his shoulder as I walked. Not only that he said that he would have piggy backed me, but it look odd to the people there watching us. *blushes* As he was helping me walk to my car, one of our teammates said we looked like a couple, of course I was wishing that we were. The crazy part was that he said, "Yeah, we've been dating for 6 years now and it's finally getting serious. Don't tell him but I bought him a ring." My heart almost skipped a beat at that point. *laughs* Also, he called me up on my drive home and asked if I needed help to go climb up my stairs at home. I mean that's just SWEET. Mind you, I totally live out of his way. I mean he would have to drive pass his apartments to get to my house. I have yet to figure out if this guy plays on my team or pitches for the other team or switch hits. Of course my friend Stella is very supportive and tries to convince me that he's totally into me. I just think he's a really nice guy. I ended up telling her that I'll only be convinced of him being interested in me the day he kisses me. It did make me very giddy though knowing that he cared about me being hurt.

Yeah I know, I almost sound like a school girl that's crushing. Oh well....I feel like it. *laughs* Geez, I really feel pathetic now. Why can't I meet a guy like that who I know for sure wants to date me? That would be awesome. I really hope that he and I could go hiking this weekend. Maybe if I wish on a star, it'll come true. *laughs*

Anyways, back to my knee. It hurts but I can wobble along fine without help. I can also feel fluid in the medial side of my left knee. That's not a good sign. I guess all I can do know is rest it and hope for the best. RICE= Rest, Ice, Compress, and Elevate. *laughs* Guess there's still a little bit of the medic in me. If I could do a knee exam on myself then I would, but by my personal assessment I think it's just mild sprain. I mean it feels a little stiff but I'm think that's from the swelling. Like I used to tell my Marines, "Here's some motrin 800mg and hydrate." Damn, it sucks being the patient.

It's late, so I guess I should head to bed. Maybe I'll have a premonition of what's to happen between my crush and me. *laughs* I wish!!! Good night y'all.

Oops before I go, below is a pic of my soccer team NO KA OI.

Absolutely Crazy

I've been having so much fun here in Guam lately. I recently got a new tattoo and it's awesome, but my arm is still sore. I made 2 more amazing friends, Leira and Nicole aka NicOmen, and they are the bombnizzy (don't know if this qualifies as an actual word, but who cares, it's my blog).



My soccer team is in 4th place and that's not bad at all considering we lost our first 2 games in double digits. The only sad part is that I haven't lost the weight I've gained since I moved back. It's ok though, because I'm plan on going on a new diet...it's called bulemia. I'm totally kidding.

I have about estimated a little over a month left here on Guam and I'm sad yet excited. I love it here and have some amazing friends here that I don't want to leave behind. I am excited about moving back to the Seattle area, because I have great friend there too. It doesn't seem very fair, but as my friend Matt says, "Always look for the good in things" and he's absolutely right. He's awesome.

The secret is finally out. My sister broke the news to my parents that she's pregnant. I'm so happy for her and I can't wait to see here. I just hope that I don't start having morning sickness with her like I did during her last pregnancy. That was horrible!!! Just horrible!!! *inside joke that only Kuya Chris and I know about* Horrible!!!

As my deadline here gets closer, I'm expecting to get my usual last minute fling. It always happens that way. I'm about to leave and then all of a sudden I meet a really incredible guy. That always sucks. Maybe it won't happen, but if it does then I'll just go with the flow.

Now I'm just ranting about nothing at all so I'm just going to end this here. Maybe next time I'll have more exciting news for my readers. Until next time....

NO Romance allowed....maybe?

It's been a while since I've made an entry on here, so many events had transpired between the last entry and now. Where do I begin? Well it actually depends on who actually reads this.

First I'll discuss men the men here. The gay environment here in Guam different from what I'm used to. Everyone is either bisexual or only gay when they are drunk. It's kinda twisted don't you think?! Oh well, what can I do?
I think the twisted environment here is due to the small community, Christian beliefs, and high family profile. Or the mentally, it's ok to be gay just as long as it's behind closed doors and no one knows...aka be in the closet. It seems like I had to put the "door back on my closet" again, after I've worked so hard to find myself after I came "out" 6 years ago. Oh, I almost forgot about mentioning the "I only hook up with guys who are leaving" part. You know it's really bad here when you have to resort to stuff like that.

What pisses me off is the games that are played here, lies and bullshit. Actually, that comes with most gay men, so I don't know why I'm mad when I should be used to it. I hear so many people say that they don't like to play games or bullshit, but it seems that I see more games played by them than anyone else. It would so much easier if people were just honest with each other, but this is the real world and it doesn't go that way.

I recently met a young white boy name Brad, whom my friends have nicknamed Lindsey Lohan. He may not be the drop dead gorgeous 10 out of 10, but at least he's really honest and comfortable with me. He's not afraid to tell me how he feels and that he likes me. He's willing to show me the affection I deserve. The personality he presents to me is what makes him handsome. Why can't there be more guys like him? The problem is that I'm leaving and I like someone else. *laughs* I always seem to like the guys who don't like me back. Story of my life. Which really shouldn't bother me at this moment in time since I've only got a little over a month left here in Guam. There's NO ROMANCE ALLOWED...maybe?

Anyways, I shouldn't care all that much about crushes or flings while I'm here. My time is short and I should just focus on having as much fun as I can and if by chance some fling or a little bit romance happens then it does, but if not then I'm ok with that too. Also, if sex wtih a cute guy comes along then that would be fun too. *laughs* Abmel Gone Wild? Ha ha ha Maybe....

What's trust got to do with it?

I drove my mother around today to do her errands since she has been sick the past two days. During our drive, we talked about family issues from bills to me flying back to Seattle. My mother always thinks of my well-being first before any other issues. She told me that she trusted my decision whether to say for a year or return back to Seattle in December to finish up my school. It's a tough decision to make on my own and I just wish she would just tell me what she wanted me to do. I know in my heart she wants me to stay, but in doing so she's afraid I might end up hating her. I could never hate my parents. I owe them so much. A part of me wants to go, but another part of me wants to stay. How do I decide?

Another topic came up during our conversation. It was about TRUST. My mother and I have so much in common. We give our trust like it was Halloween candy, even though so many people have betrayed or taken advantage of it.

Here's an example: A long lost cousin from my dad's side of the family showed up at our when I was still in middle school. He asked my parents for help, but my dad was skeptical. My mother on the other hand, welcomed him with open arms since he is family. As months went by, he proved to be very trustworthy and everything was good. He even took it upon himself to make my mother's dreams come true and be the architect for the upstairs house I am currently living in. My mom and him designed the house together and he would take care of everything, all we needed to do was fork up the cash.

He didn't do such a great job. We've had to repair several mistakes that he made to the house. We also discovered later that there was purchased materials under my mom's credit cards that didn't go into building the house. Also, a lot of the expensive materials bought for the house were not used. We later found out that he saved a lot of the expensive materials and extra materials billed to my mom's credit card, were used to build his home.

Since the completion of this house, we've had to do a lot of rewiring and remodel parts of the house that just wasn't up to standard. It was or still is a complete mess. The original house that my mom self contracted the year I was born needed less maintenance as the current upstairs home that we put so much into. This is only one example of the many broken trust issues.

While growing up, I've had so many temporary guest living in my parents home because my mom wanted to help people and she trusted them. It came to the point that our family was extending by family friends and long lost relatives living in our home. My mother trusted each one of them and 90% of the time, it ended in betrayal.

Apparently, I've inherited the "too much trust" curse. Majority of my past relationships speaks for itself. I have never cheated on any of my relationships, but most all of them have cheated on me. I used to think it was all my fault. Maybe I wasn't good enough in the bedroom or maybe I took them for granted. I don't know. I thought I was being the best boyfriend that I could be. I let them go out with their friends without question. I cooked, cleaned, gave full body massages, and more...not just the whole housewife crap. What's trust got to do with it anyways? I believed or still believe that when in a relationship there shouldn't be a trust issue. Maybe I'm just too much of a hopeless romantic. I've tried to be more logical and realistic like an ex told me, but how I can I do that when I'm ruled by my heart. My mother tells me the same thing. "Don't let your heart rule your decisions, use your head. That's why your brain is above your heart."

This is getting to long, so I'll stop right here.

Transformer

Before I moved to Guam, I was mostly a homebody. Don't get me wrong I go out every once in a while back in Washington, but not as much as I do here. Heck, I barely even drank alcohol in the states. Here it seems I have a drink everytime I'm out...which is every weekend and sometimes during the week. Blah. I hate feeling drunk and getting hangovers the next day. It's almost the worst feeling in the world. Why do I do it? I guess just so I can lose a little bit of control. I've been too much of a control freak when it comes to myself, that I need something to help me let loose. I'm starting to feel like I'm 21 all over again.

It's a strange feeling since I worked so hard to get out of the club scene, but I started to regress back to the old me. I'm not to old to go out to the bars and clubs, but it gets really old...fast. I can finally feel it wearing on me. I might just need to take a short break from going out and being the old maid that I feel I am. I guess I'm starting to miss my Washingtonian lifestyle again. Now I understand why my friends call me Haole over here. I'm more of a coconut now, brown on the outside and white on the inside.

Also, staying home all day and doing my online classes are totally boring. I think I've seen too many episodes of Parental Control on MTV. I really need to find a job soon or I'll die of boredom. Or maybe I just need to move back to Washington. At lease I kept myself busy with school, work, and soccer.

I think my depression is starting to come back again. I was doing fine until my friend Tim called me today. I really miss him so much. He is amazing and we have such a good time together. We make each other laugh all the time. Tim if you read this it's not your fault I'm getting depressed, it just reminds me that your not here to hang out with me. *sighs* Aw, I know it's so sweet huh? Blah blah blah. I'm starting to feel like a damn yo-yo. Up one week and down the next. *laughs* Do you think I need a therapist?!

That's all folks!

Home Sweet Home Guam

When I first got back to the island of my birth, I wondered if I'll ever start to feel like it was home again. Why shouldn't I right? I have my family and friends here. Yeah it didn't feel like home anymore. Although many of the sites remained the same from the last time I was here, the people I knew have grown and changed. I'm not saying it is a bad thing, I'm just saying that I'm having to get to know them again.

I didn't quite feel like home just yet and I felt quite alone. I got so used to being in the Seattle area with my family and friends up there, that I felt out of place here. I tried to play soccer here, but the level of play is much more different than I'm used to. I have yet to drive around the island to enjoy the beauty of it. I guess I was looking for a connection with a few people. Something that will make me feel more at home.

Well I guess I found them. This past weekend I met some pretty awesome people that I can say I've made a connection with. It's so amazing to make new friends that you can make a connection with. I don't feel so alone anymore. It's a great feeling. I'm sure people who have moved around a lot can understand how I feel. They remind me of my friends back in the states. They are fun free loving people and that's just how I like 'em.

Alone....

These days have been really lonesome for me. I do have a lot of friends here but it's not the same as I am with my friends back in Washington. I guess it's because I haven't kept myself very busy here. Back in Washington, I had school, work, soccer and some me time; here all I have is a ton of me time. It makes me think of things I left back in Washington and how much I miss it. I was surrounded by my nephews, my sister, and her strange yet funny boyfriend. My workplace environment was awesome. I got along great with my supervisors and the students that come to me for information. Here, all I do is sit at home when I'm not taking care of my father and watch tons of tv. I know now what the true meaning of Homebody is. I also miss going to my gym where it's open 24 hours a day and I can workout anytime I want to.

Don't get me wrong, I love Guam and I enjoy being here, but I don't know if I can live here anymore. I guess I can say, excuse the terminology, I'm white washed. My friends here all say I sound so Haole and I must agree with them.

I guess I'm just used to being surrounded by many friends all the time and here it's not the same. I see my friends at soccer and sometimes we get to hang out, but mostly everyone here is coupled and don't really do that "hanging out" thing anymore.
I miss Bill and Michael's Margarita Saturdays, going out to eat at different restaurants with Tim, and playing on a gay soccer team, which is important to me because I can't be myself on the team I am on here in Guam.

Geez, what's happening to me? Besides come back home to help take care of my dad, I know there is something here that I must do or find. I can't say that it's love, because I don't think I'll find that here or anywhere at the moment. I wish I wasn't so lost and alone. I have to fix that somehow and figure what I should do. I always seem to leave things to fate, but what if there is no fate. I'm questioning my existence again. What does the winds of fate have for me? What's coming my way and why do I think it's going to be big? It's kind of scary.

End

Relationships...what are you afraid of?

Someone recently told me that he isn't as stable as I am and I thought to myself, "Am I really that stable?" The answer is, no I'm not.

Since I came out the closet, I realized that dating isn't like how it is in the movies or fairytales. Don't get me wrong, some are close to it, but not 100%.

I've been in at least 5 so called relationships, I think I can really say that 2 of the 5 were real ones. The longest I have been in a relationship is a year, but I think that only lasted because I was away for most of it. I don't think it would have lasted as long as it did if I was there everyday. My problem is that I'm not stable at all. I tend to go for guys that I know will break my heart or go into relationships that I know will not last. I think, actually, I know I do this because I'm really afraid of getting into a relationship or something like that. Another problem is that I'm in love with the idea of being in a relationship, but I don't actually want to be in one just yet. It's not that I want to go sleeping around, because I know I don't feel very good doing that. I've already been there and learned from it. It's not the kind of guy I want to be. I want to be better.

There are so many great guys that I have turned down, because I know deep in my heart that I will just break their hearts. I don't want to hurt anyone, so I always go after guys who I know won't last long with me. You know the type, the bad boys or "unstable" guys. I guess it allows me to be in a relationship, which I think I want, but won't hurt me so bad when it ends. Sure I'll cry and be sad, but I know it will go away after some time. I have to be honest with myself, it's because I am really afraid of getting hurt. I know I talk crap that sounds like I'm Buddha or something. "Don't be afraid to fall in love." "Don't be afraid to get your heart broken." I just feel like a hypocrite, but I am scared....actually...I'm terrified.

I guess all this started out because I didn't have that wonderful long lasting first boyfriend. No, we lasted a few months and it was filled with lies. For one, he wasn't the virgin he said he was. Also, he cheated on me...I don't remember how many times, but I know he did. For god's sake, don't take pictures with that dates on them with another guy, especially if the dates are when we are still in a relationship. Heck, just don't do anything that will give proof. LOL. If you're going to cheat then don't get caught or just tell me before you do so I can take some action.

I do plan to turn a new leaf though. No more of this, he's too nice or I'm going to break his heart. I have to learn that we are both taking risk on each other and if it was meant to be then it was meant to be. I'm so tired of being a hypocrite. I want to really live. Heartbreak and all.

I guess writing things down do really help me. Helps me understand myself. Blogs are awesome.

After Birthday reflection....

It's late night Labor day and the weekend after my birthday. I turned 27. Wow!
A lot has happened within the past year. Heck, a lot has happened within the past 2 months and this past weekend.

I recently moved back to Guam, the land of my birth, for the next 6 to 12 months. After a month here, it just hit me. I'm still getting used to my surroundings again. It's been about 6 1/2 years since I was last here.

My birthday weekend started out pretty good. I hung out with my friend Robert and his friends at a local bar. We sang karaoke all night. I haven't sang karaoke since my friend, Viny's birthday party in Seattle. It was an interesting night. I crashed at my friend Robert's house and...well, I'm not getting into that at the moment. Too much complications in that situation.

My bestfriend AmySue, god-sister Paula, and my friends Stella and Maia took me out to dinner and got me wasted on one birthday shot on my birthday. It was quite an interesting night. I had a blast. I had a tiny hangover the next day.

This morning I woke up at 4am and went fishing with my friend Stella and her family. It was a blast. I caught about 5 fish and went snorkeling around the coral reef. I'd say it was about 40 feet of water. I couldn't dive all the way to the bottom. We also got to see a school of dolphins and I got to see a baby one too.

Everything was going great until this evening. I got a weird email and one of my friends said he needed time away from me. I also started to get depressed and had to cancel dinner with a great guy. I feel so bad, but I really didn't want to hang out with just anyone. My cousin Claire came over and I just had to express how I felt about everything.

We talked about moving back to Guam, intimate relationships, and other bothersome troubles we both had. Just talking to her helped a lot. I finally started to feel better. That and I started to pig out on food as usual. I'm still kind of craving some ice cream but that will pass. I think I just need to be sedated for a while.

I hate how people say that I seem like a stable kind of guy and I know how I feel, but the truth is that I'm just as complicated as everyone else. Sorry, it's just something a friend told me today since he's not in the same place as I am in life. It took a lot of work to get to where I am emotionally and mentally today. I've been through so much already.

Before I even turned 27, I have experienced so much and had to grow up sooner than I wanted. I started to help raise children at the age of 15, left home and joined the Navy at 17, was in charge of a ward at the age of 19 with 20 people under me, went to war at 23, had my life turned inside out at 24, and I had to re-start my life at 25 after getting out of the Navy.

Between all of that, I ended the best intimate relationship that I ever had. Up to this day, I still wonder if I made the wrong decision or not. I just couldn't put him through all the trials and re-shaping of my life. It was until I turned 26 that I finally started to get my life together again. The only way I can describe it is it was almost like being a cancer patient who thinks that his life changed totally because of his illness and there was a great loss. That's how I felt, but it was the death of my old life. Starting over is mentally and emotionally tough. I had to learn from my experiences, both the good and bad, and find a way to better myself and grow.

I went through the rough times and self destruction. It maybe different from everyone else's but to me it was still pretty tough.

I'm going to end this here, because if I don't I'll be typing out a book.

Later.

Click here to watch 'Hawk-Nelson---Everything-You-Ever-Wanted'

First night with my dad in the hospital.

After spending the night at the hospital with my father, I realized why I needed to in Guam for a while. At 2am this morning, awoke to my father talking to me. At first, I thought he was talking in his sleep again, but I realized he was really talking to me. He was asking for a basin, because he needed to vomit. I jumped out of my chair and raced to the bathroom where the basin was kept. I handed it to my father and he throw up brown liquid and it smelled pretty awful. It was the same thing that was coming out of his NG tube which was removed yesterday morning in hopes that his intestines would start working properly again. The only way to describe what it looked like is to say it looked like diarrhea. After vomiting almost a basin full, he did it again about an hour later. His nurse and I ended up changing his linen and clothing about 3am.
When I finally relaxed enough to fall asleep again, I started to dream. I dreamt that I was in my father’s hospital room, but it was a little different. Everything looked the same, but it felt different. I looked around and saw about 5 different people in here that I did not recognize. As I looked at them, their faces started to change and I jumped out of my chair. I finally realized that these people were all dead. I didn’t know what to do. I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs. I even tried to say, “May the power of Christ compel you,” but the words could not escape my mouth. I couldn’t think of anything else to do, so I started praying and I raised my hands in the air. All of a sudden, my body started to feel warm and light flew from my raised hands. The light scared off the spirits and then I woke up in the chair beside my father’s bed, covered in sweat. I immediately looked at my father to see if he was ok. He was sound asleep and breathing normally. I couldn’t shake the dream from my thoughts.
As some of my good friends know, I sometimes dream of events that come true. I guess you could say that I sometimes have precognitive dreams. I really can’t really begin to imagine what that dream meant. All I know is that I’m terrified of it.
It reminded me of late yesterday night when my mother and aunt came to visit my father. My mother, my aunt, and I were talking about me moving back here for a while and all of a sudden I remember that I had a dream about this a few months ago. Talk about major déjà vu. Maybe I’m just going crazy and need to see a shrink. All I could do is laugh at myself right now.
I finally got broadband internet service at my parent’s house so I can finally get started on blogging again. That is all for now.

Sick dad...heading to Guam...being selfish

It's been over 6 years since I've been back home to Guam. I left on May 2000, because I was in the Navy and got transferred to Bremerton, Washington. I haven't been back ever since. I'm excited to be going back, but sad at the same time. The reason why I'm heading back is because my father is really ill. A few days ago, he got major surgery to his intestines, because he had a major blockage. For 3 days he awaited to see a cardiologist before he could get surgery due to his heart condition. After 3 days of waiting and no cardiologist, the doctors had to no choice but to go on with the surgery, because he would have died of bodily waste poisioning. His surgery had some major risk, there was a chance of him getting a heart attack or stroke while he was under the knife. His doctors thought it was worth they risk, because either way they had to do something to save his life.

My father survived the surgery and is currently in recovery. My sister says that he's looking a little better, but his health is not back to normal. The doctors are still worried that his intestines may not work properly and he is still in risk of getting a heart attack, staff infection, or getting pneumonia.

Even with all this happening, I still have my selfish thoughts. I'm glad to be going home, but I'm sad that the reason why is that my father is sick. Another part of me is sort of mad, because I have to put school on hold while I'm in Guam. I have one more quarter left before I graduate and there might be a chance that I will not return back in time for school. I've waited so long to go back to school and finish my degree, but yet again I have to put it on hold. I feel really bad for feeling this way especially because I really love my father and I know he needs me.

It always seems like when I'm close to finishing something another dilemma presents itself which causes me to put a hold on finishing it. Call it bad luck or bad karma. I have no clue. I don't know what to think anymore. I know I feel ashame for thinking this. What can I do now?
I guess I do what I always do and see what opportunities come my way. I'll have to go with the flow. I hope the fates shine down on me and I hope my father gets better soon.