Alone....

These days have been really lonesome for me. I do have a lot of friends here but it's not the same as I am with my friends back in Washington. I guess it's because I haven't kept myself very busy here. Back in Washington, I had school, work, soccer and some me time; here all I have is a ton of me time. It makes me think of things I left back in Washington and how much I miss it. I was surrounded by my nephews, my sister, and her strange yet funny boyfriend. My workplace environment was awesome. I got along great with my supervisors and the students that come to me for information. Here, all I do is sit at home when I'm not taking care of my father and watch tons of tv. I know now what the true meaning of Homebody is. I also miss going to my gym where it's open 24 hours a day and I can workout anytime I want to.

Don't get me wrong, I love Guam and I enjoy being here, but I don't know if I can live here anymore. I guess I can say, excuse the terminology, I'm white washed. My friends here all say I sound so Haole and I must agree with them.

I guess I'm just used to being surrounded by many friends all the time and here it's not the same. I see my friends at soccer and sometimes we get to hang out, but mostly everyone here is coupled and don't really do that "hanging out" thing anymore.
I miss Bill and Michael's Margarita Saturdays, going out to eat at different restaurants with Tim, and playing on a gay soccer team, which is important to me because I can't be myself on the team I am on here in Guam.

Geez, what's happening to me? Besides come back home to help take care of my dad, I know there is something here that I must do or find. I can't say that it's love, because I don't think I'll find that here or anywhere at the moment. I wish I wasn't so lost and alone. I have to fix that somehow and figure what I should do. I always seem to leave things to fate, but what if there is no fate. I'm questioning my existence again. What does the winds of fate have for me? What's coming my way and why do I think it's going to be big? It's kind of scary.

End