Relationships...what are you afraid of?

Someone recently told me that he isn't as stable as I am and I thought to myself, "Am I really that stable?" The answer is, no I'm not.

Since I came out the closet, I realized that dating isn't like how it is in the movies or fairytales. Don't get me wrong, some are close to it, but not 100%.

I've been in at least 5 so called relationships, I think I can really say that 2 of the 5 were real ones. The longest I have been in a relationship is a year, but I think that only lasted because I was away for most of it. I don't think it would have lasted as long as it did if I was there everyday. My problem is that I'm not stable at all. I tend to go for guys that I know will break my heart or go into relationships that I know will not last. I think, actually, I know I do this because I'm really afraid of getting into a relationship or something like that. Another problem is that I'm in love with the idea of being in a relationship, but I don't actually want to be in one just yet. It's not that I want to go sleeping around, because I know I don't feel very good doing that. I've already been there and learned from it. It's not the kind of guy I want to be. I want to be better.

There are so many great guys that I have turned down, because I know deep in my heart that I will just break their hearts. I don't want to hurt anyone, so I always go after guys who I know won't last long with me. You know the type, the bad boys or "unstable" guys. I guess it allows me to be in a relationship, which I think I want, but won't hurt me so bad when it ends. Sure I'll cry and be sad, but I know it will go away after some time. I have to be honest with myself, it's because I am really afraid of getting hurt. I know I talk crap that sounds like I'm Buddha or something. "Don't be afraid to fall in love." "Don't be afraid to get your heart broken." I just feel like a hypocrite, but I am scared....actually...I'm terrified.

I guess all this started out because I didn't have that wonderful long lasting first boyfriend. No, we lasted a few months and it was filled with lies. For one, he wasn't the virgin he said he was. Also, he cheated on me...I don't remember how many times, but I know he did. For god's sake, don't take pictures with that dates on them with another guy, especially if the dates are when we are still in a relationship. Heck, just don't do anything that will give proof. LOL. If you're going to cheat then don't get caught or just tell me before you do so I can take some action.

I do plan to turn a new leaf though. No more of this, he's too nice or I'm going to break his heart. I have to learn that we are both taking risk on each other and if it was meant to be then it was meant to be. I'm so tired of being a hypocrite. I want to really live. Heartbreak and all.

I guess writing things down do really help me. Helps me understand myself. Blogs are awesome.