Video Collage of my nephew James Ryan

..

Another One of Those Days

Working and going to school at the same time is getting very stressful and tiring. I know I only have about a year left to finish my BA, but damn it that feels like it's too far away. I can be done next Fall, but if I want to graduate with Greek Honors I need to wait until Summer to graduate. Is graduating Cum Laude really that important? I'm still trying to figure that out. I guess I should wait until this summer to decided if I want to continue torturing myself until Summer 2009 or just get over and done with my BA in Fall 2008.

Plus I'm starting to get frustrated with the company I work for, but not in the way that I want to quit or that I don't like the environment. It's just I've been here for 10 months as a contractor and it doesn't look like I'm getting any closer to being hired as a permanent employee. My bosses are great people and think I'm a valuable member of the team, but probably not enough to hire me. I've worked my ass off for them and have lead a few important projects, yet I'm still not worth being an actual employee. At least that's what I'm thinking since I have heard anything otherwise.

I just heard today that my boss would like to extend my contract and that he's looking to hire another contractor to help with E-Marketing. I swear companies don't like to hire permanent employees anymore. I think my bosses want to hire me, but they have to go through the CEO and some major bureaucratic tape to do it. Well, I think I'm so worth it.

For example, last week it was only the other contractor and I at work. My senior manager and manager went to Italy to train 2 other people that work with us on how to work the new web content management system. Before they left, they dropped 2 big projects on me. It was super stressful since I also had mid-terms that week. I was able to complete 1 of the projects on time and do a little extra for it. The 2nd on was another story, our director of marketing didn't like the new page we had developed for podcasts. It was so frustrating. First of all, I wasn't included in anything about the podcast until last week, so I didn't know what she envisioned of how the page would look. Either way, I still did the best job I could with the hectic notes that were given to me. I did my part on that job, but still had to wait on others to get their stuff done. Basically, I was working on 2 projects that should have taken about a month to complete in one week and I was a least able to complete one project on time, which was the most important one because it came from the CEO.

What do I have to do for them to hire me permanently? I'm going to have to come up with projects of my own and take more initiative. I figure I'd give them until next August and if they still won't hire me, then I'm going to find another job, one with that offers a good benefits package.

Whew! That was a mouthful. I guess I'm done venting.

Work and School and Work

It's been a stressful week and I wish I can say that I'm looking forward to the weekend, but I'm going to be doing homework. I'm starting to rethink doing this full-time work and school crap. My stress level has probably hit the roof more than twice this week. I'm tired, cranky, and caffeine doesn't do sh*t for me anymore. It feels like I've been going to school for 10 years already. At least I like the classes I'm taking, so there's a bright side to it.

I've been working as their Web Content Coordinator (Contractor) for Intermec since February 2007 and hoping that someday they would hire me as a permanent employee. The problems are, I don't have my bachelors degree yet and there's no opening in the web marketing team. It really doesn't make any sense though. There's 3 of us who mainly work all the global web sites and 2 of use are interns/contractors. I always hear how much they need us and yet they don't hire us on permanently. Or at least attempt to hire one of us, hopefully me. Although this contracting gig pays well, I really like to have job security and benefits would be good. One of the benefits they offer employees here is tuition reimbursement, which is what I need so I don't have to keep signing up for student loans. I like my job and the people I work with, but I don't like that fact that I'm expendable per se. The fiscal year is about done and hopefully they will offer me a job. I'd be extremely disappointed if they don't.

Another sad part is, I helped get my "pseudo" wife a job with this company and yet I can't even get a permanent one myself. I'm happy for her, but I'm also a little jealous. Although, I wouldn't want her job. *laughs*

Yesterday, I looked at a condo that I would absolutely want to buy, but I can't afford it right now. It's a sweet deal too and it's in a great neighborhood. If only I was making more money and my credit score didn't suck so bad, then I could actually afford the place. I think I'm going to start saving up more money after my trip to Sydney this New Years. Also, it would be a great Christmas present if I got hired on permanently at Intermec. *crosses fingers*

Anyways, I better get back to working.

For the better...

It's been a while since I last blogged. The last time it was about the guilt I felt over my father's death. I'm doing a lot better now than I was a few months ago.

Since summer has ended I started school again and changed my major. I was majoring in Management Information Systems, but I changed it to Interdisciplinary Studies with minors in business and psychology. It was a quicker program and I decided to get my Masters degree after I get my BA. I'm officially a professional student now with a job as well. Crazy huh?

I ended up going to Las Vegas last August for a reunion with my old high school friends and visit my family there too. I can't believe how much fun I had in just a week. I got closer to 2 of my cousins and met up with friends that I haven't seen since high school. The reason why we had a reunion in Las Vegas is because not all of us can afford to pay a $2000 round trip ticket back to Guam. Plus I was just in Guam for 4 months the year before.

I have some exciting news too. My bestfriend and I are going to Sydney, Australia for New Years. I'm so excited. I've never been there and I can't wait to see the place. He also called me tonight and asked me if I would mine flying to the Philippines with him for 3 days to visit his mother. He said he'll pay for the ticket and it'll be my Christmas gift. Um, it's a free ticket, so I said, "Hell ya I'll go!" Who says no to a free flight? Not me. Free = Good.

Now all I have to do is lose all the baby fat I've gained since this summer. Yes! I SAID BABY FAT! Hahaha. I started out dieting and exercising again. I just started last week and my body is totally killing me. I knew I was outta shape, but I didn't think it was this bad. Good new is, I just got an iPod Shuffle that I could use at the gym. Yes, I know I already have an iPod, but I don't like taking that thing with me to the gym. Plus I always forget it in my work bag, so I end working out listening to the music that 24 hour fitness plays in the speakers. I'm sorry, but not all Avril Lavine songs make me feel pumped up. I'm more of a techno, dance, and hip hop music type when it comes to working out. Hopefully, I get to see more definition in my body and a smaller waist size. Call me superficial, but maybe it'll help me get more dates with a toned body. Hahaha. Like I'm actually dating these days. Yuck! Ok not really "yuck" per se, but I'm over that for now. I kind of like being single and having no problems hanging out with whomever I want.

It's getting let so I better get my clothes ready for work tomorrow and get some shut eye. I need all the beauty sleep I can get. :P

1 Month

July 17, 2007

It's been a month since my father passed away. I haven't really cried since the day of the funeral. I don't think that its totally hit me yet. It really doesn't seem like he's gone. I sometimes come home thinking he's still here.

I dreamt of my father about a week ago, I went to go check in his room and he was there sleeping. In my dream, I knew he had died already, but I someone convinced myself that he was still alive.

My mother misses him a lot. She still cries at random when she eats something or sees something that reminds her of him. I still can't bring myself to cry. Mostly it because I don't want my mother to see me. If she sees me cry then she will cry too. For some reason she's blaming herself for his death and I can understand that, because I feel that it was also my fault that he died.

I was strict about his diet and kept him away from foods that he would love to eat. Sometimes he and I would argue about it. He once said, "How come everyone gets too eat good food, but me?" When I think of that I feel so bad about keeping foods away from that was not good for his diabetes or health.

Logically, there was nothing we can do. He had liver cancer and when we found it, it was way too advanced already. It just feels like I didn't make his passing very pleasent. My biggest regret was arguing with him too much instead of just spending time with him. I feel like I was way too busy to even pay attention to him. I love him so much and I kind of feel that he left without knowing how I feel for him.

I just feel like I to scream at the top of my lungs. I'm just so frustrated. It seems so unfair. If I could travel back in time, I'd spend more time with him. The saying, "Hindsight is 20/20," really sucks!

I love you dad and miss you very much!

My Father's Eulogy

Pete Nunez A.

23 June 1923 - 17 June 2007

My father was a great man. He had a big heart and was very unselfish. If you ever got a chance to talk to my father, you would know that he was an amazing story teller and entertainer. He had an unforgettable laugh. Now, I would like to share his story with you. My father, Pete Nunez Apuya, was born in Palompon, Leyte in the Philippines on June 23rd, 1923 and today we bury him what would have been his 84th birthday, June 23, 2007. He was the oldest son of Pablo and Marcelina Apuya. A few years after his mother died giving birth to his younger brother, his father re-married. His step-mother didn't want anything to do with him, so he ran away from home and lived with his aunt, his father's sister. She kept him hidden away from his step-mother who treated him like Cinderella. His aunt took great care of him, but was forcing him to be educated as a farmer. My father wanted more. He was always fascinated with the sea and wanted to be a sailor, so he left my aunt to pursue a new adventure. He later moved out of his aunt's house and looked for work where ever could. He struggled during this time. He was constantly working to survive. Sometimes he would sleep standing up because he was exhausted from working on job after the other.During World War II, he sought out a job with the U.S. military ships. His dream of traveling over the ocean had finally come true. During that time, he met a woman and thought he found the right one. He had a daughter, Lillia, with her and was very happy for a time. But he was always traveling for work and his fiancé didn't want a life where her husband was always away from home. While he was traveling for work, his fiancé met another man and decided to marry him instead. My father had his heartbroken for the very first time.My father spent several years traveling the globe on ships for the military, but he was mostly home ported in Okinawa, Japan. He learned how to speak Japanese and met many close friends there. Even with all his travels my father still searched for his soul mate and did not find her.He was a religious man and prayed everyday. He thanked God for all the good fortunes he was given, but he didn't have anyone to share it with. He still did not have a family of his own. Through destiny and the will of God, my father ended up in Guam. This is the part of his story where his true life fairy tale began. This is where he met a beautiful woman, Virgilia Labella Ronquillo (my mother), who was on vacation from the island of Truk. From the moment he met her, he knew that she was his soulmate. It was love at first sight for the both of them and they married within 3 days. (We joke around that they met and went on their first date on the first day, got engaged on the 2nd day, and got married on the third day). July 30th would have been their 32rd anniversary. My parents eventually had two children my sister, Ain and I. He had the family he always wanted and considered himself very blessed and fortunate. My father loved us so much that he wanted to give us everything he never had as a child, so he decided to travel to California to get a job with the Merchant Marines. He spent a year away from home waiting for this job. He sacrificed time from us to ensure that his family would have a nice home and future. He did what he had to do to make sure we were well taken care of. He also never got his daughter, Lillia, in the Philippines and constantly supported her and her family. When my sister gave birth to my nephews Michael and Matthew, I've never seen my father so happy. He cried tears of joy when he got to hold them for the first time. He was so happy to be grandfather again. He loved them so very much that he decided to move up here to help take care of them and be close to them. My father's face glowed with joy when my sister gave him a new grandson, James Ryan. You could see the joy in his eyes when he got to touch him. To him, his family was the most precious treasure he could ever have. He always wanted to be happy and close to each other, even on his death bed, he didn't want us to cry. On the day he died, he waited for my mother, my sister, and I to be there before he took his last breath to begin his journey to the oceans in heaven, where he will sail on great ships onto his new adventure with God.

Although, he is no longer with us physically, his spirit will live on in our hearts.

Loss of My Father

This past Friday, my father was diagnosed with advance stage liver cancer. The cancer spread to about 90% of his liver and there was nothing medical that could be done. At this point he already spent almost a week in the I Critical Care Unit. My dad, mom, sister, and I decided that we didn't want him to suffer anymore and have him pass on to the next life the natural way, so we decided to do a DNR (Do Not Resuscitate) order. He was then transferred to hospice where they would make his passing be as comfortable as they can.

Sundary morning around 0730 PST, he passed on to the next life. He would have been 84 years old this coming Saturday, June 23rd. Although it was so sudden, at least he didn't suffer for very long. Before he passed away, he was able to see his brand new grandson James Ryan "JR" Apuya Peper aka Red Peper and see me graduate from college. He died happy. In fact, he died this morning when my mom, sister, and I stood over him and prayed. He took his last breath right after we said, "Amen." We are planning to have the Funeral on Saturday, June 23rd, on his birthday. I will send out another email when the preparations are complete.He may be gone from this world physically, but his love and spirit will remain in our hearts forever.

Thank you everyone for your prayers and support through this tough moment.

Helpless and Baking Banana Nut Bread

My father is still in the Critical Care Unit and his health is still not what it should be. Today, the doctor told my mother that he wants to do a biopsy of my dad's liver and pancreas. The doctor wants to check for cancer since my dad's condition is a bit of a mystery. We know that his weakness comes from his low sodium levels, but that doesn't explain the wheezing in his upper airway and why he's has a elevated temperature. The good news, he was sitting up in a chair today and his strength is a little better. Bad news, they are still not 100% sure what is wrong with him. I just feel so helpless and it doesn't matter whether I'm at home or in the hospital with him. Even with all my past experience working the medical field, there's nothing I can think of that could help my dad. Right now it's his fight. All I can do know is pray and hope for the best. I'm a little scared, but I've been seperating my emotions at the moment as a defense mechanism.

What helps to keep me calm is writing on my blog, studying for class, and now baking banana nut bread. The banana nut bread helps to calm my mother down and right now she needs it. She's been crying most of the afternoon, praying and hoping for the best. It's been really tough for her and the rest of the family. For the first time in a long time, my whole family prayed together tonight. I almost cried.

Work has been really supportive and great. My boss tells me to focus on my family and my job will still be there when I return. I think I'm going to work tomorrow though, because that'll keep me busy and get my mind away from worrying too much.

Well back to studying and baking that damn bread!!!

Day 2 @ the Hospital

It's day 2 for my dad at the hospital critical care unit. He is doing a little better than yesterday. His speech is getting clearer and he's more coherent now. He's still very weak and has some audible wheezing, even though his lungs are clear. The nurse says he has pheumonia, but there hasn't been an accurate diagnosis.

I was able to go home today for a few hours, but came back to the hospital for the evening shift. My mother is coming to relieve me at 2230 and spend the night with my dad.

The nurses here are great. So far I like the 3 nurses that I've met who are taking care of my father. It kind of makes me miss the medical field. My fate has been chosen, so I can't keep thinking about that past.

Anyways, as I wait for my mother to arrive within the next 35 minutes, I figured I'd blog again. I hate that fact that I start blogging again when my life isn't going to happily. I guess this is my therapy. I feel more comfortable logging things when my mood is down.

The good new is that his labs are well and there's nothing out of the ordinary with is blood culture. His sodium levels are slowly increasing and that's a good sign. We don't want to drastically increase his sodium since it would not be very good for him.

I pray my father gets well soon.

Now I'm going to attempt to read my chapters since I'm already falling behind in class.

New nephew James Ryan (JR)

On June 6, 2007 @ 1409, my sister, Ain, gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. My nephew's name is James Ryan (JR), but my mom calls him Red. His last name is Peper, so hence the nickname "Red" Peper. He is so beautiful and I'm so glad that he is finally here. We've waited a long time for him.

Good to Bad Weekend

The weekend started out pretty good for me. My new baby nephew came home and he's so adorable. I went to my Everett Community Collgeg graduation ceremony on Friday. Did the whole "Yippee" I graduated thing and celebrated with my family and friend afterward. All was starting out great!Saturday afternoon, I played in the soccer invitational tournament. Vancouver B.C. and Portland players came here and it was a blast. It was so much fun. I even went to the party after the tournament. Hung out with some friends, met some new people and flirted a bit.Here comes the bad part....Get a call from my sister telling me to head to the Providence ER right away because my father is there. I drove like the devil on wheels from Seattle to Everett in 15 minutes. Glad I didn't get pulled over. After a few hours at the ER, my dad gets admitted to the Critical Care Unit (CCU). The sodium levels in his body are very low and that's not a good thing. The brain needs sodium to function correctly. I'm not going into the whole physiology of it. Basically, my dad is in altered mental status. He goes from being coherent to incoherent every few minutes. His speech is slurred and he twitches all the time and at high risk for seizure. To make matters worst, the doctor thinks he might have pneumonia, but the X-rays still say negative. Oh, I forgot to mention since he's been sick, his heart is slightly enlarged. Now I'm sitting in the waiting room outside the CCU because I can't spend the night in my father's room. I wish I could study for class but I can't seem to focus. Well it's late, I might as well get some shut eye. Later.

Alone on a Friday night

Well, this is a first in a long time. I'm home alone on a Friday night and tired for some reason. I did have night planned, but the person I asked out told me he'd have to get a raincheck on it since he's got an allergic reaction. Geez, 2 nights in a row. I'm starting to think he's being very polite and not want to hang out with me. Well that just sucks. I always think that as soon as potentials guys get to know me, they tire of me quickly. Am I really that eccentric or boring? I don't know. At least my friends and family tolerate me, or they could even love me.

Yes, I'm in one of those moods again. It's seriously starting to bug me. I hate being all emotional, depressed, and tired. I didn't really do much today, but my emotional levels are peaking so I get exhausted. I wish I had more meaningful or inspiring words to blog about, but this is what helps me deal. I wish I had someone here that could really understand me. I wish my friend Leira was here. She's awesome and I miss her. I wish I got to see her before she left for Arizona, because by the time she gets back to Guam I'll be in back in Washington. I really wish Dec 10th would come sooner so at least I'll already be there and this anticipation/depression of leaving would be over.

If I'm going to bitch I might as well bitch about everything else. Today I was looking at colleges to transfer to for my Bachelors degree and it was a damn pain. The original college I planned on transfering to isn't offering any of the classes I need for my degree. I'm beginning to change my mind about majoring in computers now. I'm thinking about majoring in business now. I need to make up my mind. At least back when I was going into the medical field, I knew that I wanted to be a nurse and that was my passion. Now that I have to choose another career path, I have no idea what I would be good at doing. I don't want to be an office assistant until I retire. That would be really lame. Hmm...maybe I'll go for a paralegal certification and work in law. I knew a few people who really like it. I have no clue as to what I want to do in life anymore. All I do is question everything.

Maybe someday it'll come to me. I hope that someday is soon. Heck, I guess I could even say that I hope that I meet my soulmate too. Dating sucks!!! That's all I'm going to say about that. I think my insecurities are kicking in again. Why am I like this? Damn it! Where's my guiding angel?! Or where is my guiding light?!

Ah screw it. I'm going to taking some sleeping aides and go to bed before I get all teary-eyed like this past Sunday. Ugh! I just feel so blah.

Good night, sweet dreams, and be restful.

Stood up with chicken curry

The time is 2302 on the 30th of December. So, tonight I had plans with someone I really like, but due to him tutoring, he couldn't make it. Basically, I got stood up. He did end up finally calling at 2218, saying he just made it home and he's wiped out. The tutoring lesson that was suppose to last a couple hours during the early evening ended up lasting until later in the night. That sucks.

Being excited about this guy coming over, I decided to make his favorite dish, chicken curry. I haven't cooked like this in a long time and was worried I'd totally screw up dinner. Well, it didn't matter because I was the only one that ended up eating it. I made a whole bunch too. At least, I thought it was pretty good. It was probably a little to spicy, but that's the way curry should be like. I even went as far as making as authentic as possible. I made Indian chicken curry.

I'm not mad at him since the excuse why he stood me up is legit, but I can't help but be frustrated. My time here in Guam is short and I just wanted to spend a little bit more time with him. Is that too much to ask for? I hate thinking that I have such bad luck, but it's kind of hard not to. Well, I'm just taking what I can get and this is what I can get.

Being as lame as I am, I'm sitting here posting a new blog about how frustrated I am and watching Beauty and the Geek on MTV. Someone just smack me. Wow. They really found some geeky looking guys for this show. Did I mention that I'm a closet geek?! *laughs* Sorry, I had to change the subject, because I just want to be in a better mood. Hmmm...to think, I gave up Latino night at Denial just to get stood up and have a whole bunch of chicken curry in my frig.

Anyways, tomorrow is Friday or at least in less than an hour so, I'm hoping that it will be a good weekend. This Sunday signifies that I have a week left on island. I hope those gifts I ordered online get here next week before I leave so I can give them to my friends.

Ok, I'm done venting. I guess I'll just finish watching Beauty and the Geek now. Esta later.

Where's my "Dear Abby"? Where's my angel?

I really hate when I feel depressed. I always question everything in my life. I think too much and it really bugs me. I titled this entry "Where's my 'Dear Abby'? Where's my angel?" because many times I seem to be able to listen and help people with their problems, but I can never help myself. Everyone needs someone and I just can't seem to find that someone for me. I'm never comfortable telling people how I feel or what's bothering me. I just tell them bits and pieces, but never really tell them the whole story. I guess I'm just too embarrassed about showing my true emotions. Someone I met before told me that I'm very good at reading everyone's emotions, but I have a hard time dealing with my emotions. She really read me like a book. It's hard for me to understand how I'm feeling. My emotions are always so mixed up or incomprehensible.

A friend just recently told me that fate brought us back together and sent me to be her angel. That made me feel really special, but I can't help but wonder who will be my angel. For some reason, I'm feeling very emotional tonight. It's so bad that I can't sleep. I start thinking about where I am in life and if I'm headed in the right direction. I feel so lost.

I could go on and talk about all my failed relationships and state that I will never find Mr. Right, but that will just depress me even more. I could go on to say that I met someone here in Guam and that he's the type of guy I've always wanted to be with, but the story is going to end sadly. Or it could be one of the many flings I tend to get into before I leave every place I've been too. I'm enjoying every moment I spend with him, but it keeps reminding me that we can never go further than what it is right now....a fling. I'm leaving and he's staying. It seems like the fates or the higher power or whatever you want to call it, love to make me miserable and give me just a little taste of something I deeply crave for. I guess some things never change for me. I have to make the best of what comes my way. It's quite sad. I thought I had made up for my past mistakes already, but I guess karma isn't done with me yet.

I feel like I just want to be held by someone and just cry. The person doesn't even have to say anything, but hold me as I cry my eyes out. I seriously need to be heavily medicated right now or something. *laughs*

I'm probably just feeling this way because I'm leaving another place that I love and I was just getting used to being here. I'm always leaving or moving at the wrong time. For once I just want to feel like I have some control in my life. I thought blogging this would help me feel better but it doesn't. I better just try and get some sleep. Maybe I'll feel better in the morning.

So where's my F*CKEN Dear Abby and my guiding angel? HELP ME!!!

*FYI: I may be depressed, but I'm not going to do anything stupid so friends please don't be worried. This will past and I will be back to my jolly 'ole happy self or at least be a good actor and fake it. :-)

Crush on a gay? straight? or Bi? Guy?

*Due to DL (down low = discrete) status, the pic and this entry has been deleted. I got my answer and I'm enjoying every moment I can with him. :-)

If you refer to the entry about Romance before this one then you'll know that my predictions were correct about meeting someone before I leave. Leave it to fate to F*CK with me, but I can't really complain because I take what I can get and when you are me then you learn to live with it. I'll talk about this on another entry.

My knee...OUCH!

My soccer game tonight was a bit rough, at least it was to me since I got taken out. Some guy that I don't remember came sliding in toward the goal and crashed into my knee. The odd part was that the ball was no where near him or me and the referees didn't see what happened. What a F*CKEN joke?! ARE YOU BLIND?! Anyways, I'm all bitter about it because it's the 2nd to last game and I don't know if I'll heal in time for the last game next Sunday. Also, I doubt I'll be able to play indoor soccer this coming Tuesday and Wednesday. You know what that means? No CARDIO and I get fatter. By the time I go back to Washington, I'll be a blimp. YES, I'm gay. *laughs*

There was something good that came of the injury though. My crush since I've been here helped me to my car. He made me lean on his shoulder as I walked. Not only that he said that he would have piggy backed me, but it look odd to the people there watching us. *blushes* As he was helping me walk to my car, one of our teammates said we looked like a couple, of course I was wishing that we were. The crazy part was that he said, "Yeah, we've been dating for 6 years now and it's finally getting serious. Don't tell him but I bought him a ring." My heart almost skipped a beat at that point. *laughs* Also, he called me up on my drive home and asked if I needed help to go climb up my stairs at home. I mean that's just SWEET. Mind you, I totally live out of his way. I mean he would have to drive pass his apartments to get to my house. I have yet to figure out if this guy plays on my team or pitches for the other team or switch hits. Of course my friend Stella is very supportive and tries to convince me that he's totally into me. I just think he's a really nice guy. I ended up telling her that I'll only be convinced of him being interested in me the day he kisses me. It did make me very giddy though knowing that he cared about me being hurt.

Yeah I know, I almost sound like a school girl that's crushing. Oh well....I feel like it. *laughs* Geez, I really feel pathetic now. Why can't I meet a guy like that who I know for sure wants to date me? That would be awesome. I really hope that he and I could go hiking this weekend. Maybe if I wish on a star, it'll come true. *laughs*

Anyways, back to my knee. It hurts but I can wobble along fine without help. I can also feel fluid in the medial side of my left knee. That's not a good sign. I guess all I can do know is rest it and hope for the best. RICE= Rest, Ice, Compress, and Elevate. *laughs* Guess there's still a little bit of the medic in me. If I could do a knee exam on myself then I would, but by my personal assessment I think it's just mild sprain. I mean it feels a little stiff but I'm think that's from the swelling. Like I used to tell my Marines, "Here's some motrin 800mg and hydrate." Damn, it sucks being the patient.

It's late, so I guess I should head to bed. Maybe I'll have a premonition of what's to happen between my crush and me. *laughs* I wish!!! Good night y'all.

Oops before I go, below is a pic of my soccer team NO KA OI.

Absolutely Crazy

I've been having so much fun here in Guam lately. I recently got a new tattoo and it's awesome, but my arm is still sore. I made 2 more amazing friends, Leira and Nicole aka NicOmen, and they are the bombnizzy (don't know if this qualifies as an actual word, but who cares, it's my blog).



My soccer team is in 4th place and that's not bad at all considering we lost our first 2 games in double digits. The only sad part is that I haven't lost the weight I've gained since I moved back. It's ok though, because I'm plan on going on a new diet...it's called bulemia. I'm totally kidding.

I have about estimated a little over a month left here on Guam and I'm sad yet excited. I love it here and have some amazing friends here that I don't want to leave behind. I am excited about moving back to the Seattle area, because I have great friend there too. It doesn't seem very fair, but as my friend Matt says, "Always look for the good in things" and he's absolutely right. He's awesome.

The secret is finally out. My sister broke the news to my parents that she's pregnant. I'm so happy for her and I can't wait to see here. I just hope that I don't start having morning sickness with her like I did during her last pregnancy. That was horrible!!! Just horrible!!! *inside joke that only Kuya Chris and I know about* Horrible!!!

As my deadline here gets closer, I'm expecting to get my usual last minute fling. It always happens that way. I'm about to leave and then all of a sudden I meet a really incredible guy. That always sucks. Maybe it won't happen, but if it does then I'll just go with the flow.

Now I'm just ranting about nothing at all so I'm just going to end this here. Maybe next time I'll have more exciting news for my readers. Until next time....

NO Romance allowed....maybe?

It's been a while since I've made an entry on here, so many events had transpired between the last entry and now. Where do I begin? Well it actually depends on who actually reads this.

First I'll discuss men the men here. The gay environment here in Guam different from what I'm used to. Everyone is either bisexual or only gay when they are drunk. It's kinda twisted don't you think?! Oh well, what can I do?
I think the twisted environment here is due to the small community, Christian beliefs, and high family profile. Or the mentally, it's ok to be gay just as long as it's behind closed doors and no one knows...aka be in the closet. It seems like I had to put the "door back on my closet" again, after I've worked so hard to find myself after I came "out" 6 years ago. Oh, I almost forgot about mentioning the "I only hook up with guys who are leaving" part. You know it's really bad here when you have to resort to stuff like that.

What pisses me off is the games that are played here, lies and bullshit. Actually, that comes with most gay men, so I don't know why I'm mad when I should be used to it. I hear so many people say that they don't like to play games or bullshit, but it seems that I see more games played by them than anyone else. It would so much easier if people were just honest with each other, but this is the real world and it doesn't go that way.

I recently met a young white boy name Brad, whom my friends have nicknamed Lindsey Lohan. He may not be the drop dead gorgeous 10 out of 10, but at least he's really honest and comfortable with me. He's not afraid to tell me how he feels and that he likes me. He's willing to show me the affection I deserve. The personality he presents to me is what makes him handsome. Why can't there be more guys like him? The problem is that I'm leaving and I like someone else. *laughs* I always seem to like the guys who don't like me back. Story of my life. Which really shouldn't bother me at this moment in time since I've only got a little over a month left here in Guam. There's NO ROMANCE ALLOWED...maybe?

Anyways, I shouldn't care all that much about crushes or flings while I'm here. My time is short and I should just focus on having as much fun as I can and if by chance some fling or a little bit romance happens then it does, but if not then I'm ok with that too. Also, if sex wtih a cute guy comes along then that would be fun too. *laughs* Abmel Gone Wild? Ha ha ha Maybe....

What's trust got to do with it?

I drove my mother around today to do her errands since she has been sick the past two days. During our drive, we talked about family issues from bills to me flying back to Seattle. My mother always thinks of my well-being first before any other issues. She told me that she trusted my decision whether to say for a year or return back to Seattle in December to finish up my school. It's a tough decision to make on my own and I just wish she would just tell me what she wanted me to do. I know in my heart she wants me to stay, but in doing so she's afraid I might end up hating her. I could never hate my parents. I owe them so much. A part of me wants to go, but another part of me wants to stay. How do I decide?

Another topic came up during our conversation. It was about TRUST. My mother and I have so much in common. We give our trust like it was Halloween candy, even though so many people have betrayed or taken advantage of it.

Here's an example: A long lost cousin from my dad's side of the family showed up at our when I was still in middle school. He asked my parents for help, but my dad was skeptical. My mother on the other hand, welcomed him with open arms since he is family. As months went by, he proved to be very trustworthy and everything was good. He even took it upon himself to make my mother's dreams come true and be the architect for the upstairs house I am currently living in. My mom and him designed the house together and he would take care of everything, all we needed to do was fork up the cash.

He didn't do such a great job. We've had to repair several mistakes that he made to the house. We also discovered later that there was purchased materials under my mom's credit cards that didn't go into building the house. Also, a lot of the expensive materials bought for the house were not used. We later found out that he saved a lot of the expensive materials and extra materials billed to my mom's credit card, were used to build his home.

Since the completion of this house, we've had to do a lot of rewiring and remodel parts of the house that just wasn't up to standard. It was or still is a complete mess. The original house that my mom self contracted the year I was born needed less maintenance as the current upstairs home that we put so much into. This is only one example of the many broken trust issues.

While growing up, I've had so many temporary guest living in my parents home because my mom wanted to help people and she trusted them. It came to the point that our family was extending by family friends and long lost relatives living in our home. My mother trusted each one of them and 90% of the time, it ended in betrayal.

Apparently, I've inherited the "too much trust" curse. Majority of my past relationships speaks for itself. I have never cheated on any of my relationships, but most all of them have cheated on me. I used to think it was all my fault. Maybe I wasn't good enough in the bedroom or maybe I took them for granted. I don't know. I thought I was being the best boyfriend that I could be. I let them go out with their friends without question. I cooked, cleaned, gave full body massages, and more...not just the whole housewife crap. What's trust got to do with it anyways? I believed or still believe that when in a relationship there shouldn't be a trust issue. Maybe I'm just too much of a hopeless romantic. I've tried to be more logical and realistic like an ex told me, but how I can I do that when I'm ruled by my heart. My mother tells me the same thing. "Don't let your heart rule your decisions, use your head. That's why your brain is above your heart."

This is getting to long, so I'll stop right here.

Transformer

Before I moved to Guam, I was mostly a homebody. Don't get me wrong I go out every once in a while back in Washington, but not as much as I do here. Heck, I barely even drank alcohol in the states. Here it seems I have a drink everytime I'm out...which is every weekend and sometimes during the week. Blah. I hate feeling drunk and getting hangovers the next day. It's almost the worst feeling in the world. Why do I do it? I guess just so I can lose a little bit of control. I've been too much of a control freak when it comes to myself, that I need something to help me let loose. I'm starting to feel like I'm 21 all over again.

It's a strange feeling since I worked so hard to get out of the club scene, but I started to regress back to the old me. I'm not to old to go out to the bars and clubs, but it gets really old...fast. I can finally feel it wearing on me. I might just need to take a short break from going out and being the old maid that I feel I am. I guess I'm starting to miss my Washingtonian lifestyle again. Now I understand why my friends call me Haole over here. I'm more of a coconut now, brown on the outside and white on the inside.

Also, staying home all day and doing my online classes are totally boring. I think I've seen too many episodes of Parental Control on MTV. I really need to find a job soon or I'll die of boredom. Or maybe I just need to move back to Washington. At lease I kept myself busy with school, work, and soccer.

I think my depression is starting to come back again. I was doing fine until my friend Tim called me today. I really miss him so much. He is amazing and we have such a good time together. We make each other laugh all the time. Tim if you read this it's not your fault I'm getting depressed, it just reminds me that your not here to hang out with me. *sighs* Aw, I know it's so sweet huh? Blah blah blah. I'm starting to feel like a damn yo-yo. Up one week and down the next. *laughs* Do you think I need a therapist?!

That's all folks!