Alone....

These days have been really lonesome for me. I do have a lot of friends here but it's not the same as I am with my friends back in Washington. I guess it's because I haven't kept myself very busy here. Back in Washington, I had school, work, soccer and some me time; here all I have is a ton of me time. It makes me think of things I left back in Washington and how much I miss it. I was surrounded by my nephews, my sister, and her strange yet funny boyfriend. My workplace environment was awesome. I got along great with my supervisors and the students that come to me for information. Here, all I do is sit at home when I'm not taking care of my father and watch tons of tv. I know now what the true meaning of Homebody is. I also miss going to my gym where it's open 24 hours a day and I can workout anytime I want to.

Don't get me wrong, I love Guam and I enjoy being here, but I don't know if I can live here anymore. I guess I can say, excuse the terminology, I'm white washed. My friends here all say I sound so Haole and I must agree with them.

I guess I'm just used to being surrounded by many friends all the time and here it's not the same. I see my friends at soccer and sometimes we get to hang out, but mostly everyone here is coupled and don't really do that "hanging out" thing anymore.
I miss Bill and Michael's Margarita Saturdays, going out to eat at different restaurants with Tim, and playing on a gay soccer team, which is important to me because I can't be myself on the team I am on here in Guam.

Geez, what's happening to me? Besides come back home to help take care of my dad, I know there is something here that I must do or find. I can't say that it's love, because I don't think I'll find that here or anywhere at the moment. I wish I wasn't so lost and alone. I have to fix that somehow and figure what I should do. I always seem to leave things to fate, but what if there is no fate. I'm questioning my existence again. What does the winds of fate have for me? What's coming my way and why do I think it's going to be big? It's kind of scary.

End

Relationships...what are you afraid of?

Someone recently told me that he isn't as stable as I am and I thought to myself, "Am I really that stable?" The answer is, no I'm not.

Since I came out the closet, I realized that dating isn't like how it is in the movies or fairytales. Don't get me wrong, some are close to it, but not 100%.

I've been in at least 5 so called relationships, I think I can really say that 2 of the 5 were real ones. The longest I have been in a relationship is a year, but I think that only lasted because I was away for most of it. I don't think it would have lasted as long as it did if I was there everyday. My problem is that I'm not stable at all. I tend to go for guys that I know will break my heart or go into relationships that I know will not last. I think, actually, I know I do this because I'm really afraid of getting into a relationship or something like that. Another problem is that I'm in love with the idea of being in a relationship, but I don't actually want to be in one just yet. It's not that I want to go sleeping around, because I know I don't feel very good doing that. I've already been there and learned from it. It's not the kind of guy I want to be. I want to be better.

There are so many great guys that I have turned down, because I know deep in my heart that I will just break their hearts. I don't want to hurt anyone, so I always go after guys who I know won't last long with me. You know the type, the bad boys or "unstable" guys. I guess it allows me to be in a relationship, which I think I want, but won't hurt me so bad when it ends. Sure I'll cry and be sad, but I know it will go away after some time. I have to be honest with myself, it's because I am really afraid of getting hurt. I know I talk crap that sounds like I'm Buddha or something. "Don't be afraid to fall in love." "Don't be afraid to get your heart broken." I just feel like a hypocrite, but I am scared....actually...I'm terrified.

I guess all this started out because I didn't have that wonderful long lasting first boyfriend. No, we lasted a few months and it was filled with lies. For one, he wasn't the virgin he said he was. Also, he cheated on me...I don't remember how many times, but I know he did. For god's sake, don't take pictures with that dates on them with another guy, especially if the dates are when we are still in a relationship. Heck, just don't do anything that will give proof. LOL. If you're going to cheat then don't get caught or just tell me before you do so I can take some action.

I do plan to turn a new leaf though. No more of this, he's too nice or I'm going to break his heart. I have to learn that we are both taking risk on each other and if it was meant to be then it was meant to be. I'm so tired of being a hypocrite. I want to really live. Heartbreak and all.

I guess writing things down do really help me. Helps me understand myself. Blogs are awesome.

After Birthday reflection....

It's late night Labor day and the weekend after my birthday. I turned 27. Wow!
A lot has happened within the past year. Heck, a lot has happened within the past 2 months and this past weekend.

I recently moved back to Guam, the land of my birth, for the next 6 to 12 months. After a month here, it just hit me. I'm still getting used to my surroundings again. It's been about 6 1/2 years since I was last here.

My birthday weekend started out pretty good. I hung out with my friend Robert and his friends at a local bar. We sang karaoke all night. I haven't sang karaoke since my friend, Viny's birthday party in Seattle. It was an interesting night. I crashed at my friend Robert's house and...well, I'm not getting into that at the moment. Too much complications in that situation.

My bestfriend AmySue, god-sister Paula, and my friends Stella and Maia took me out to dinner and got me wasted on one birthday shot on my birthday. It was quite an interesting night. I had a blast. I had a tiny hangover the next day.

This morning I woke up at 4am and went fishing with my friend Stella and her family. It was a blast. I caught about 5 fish and went snorkeling around the coral reef. I'd say it was about 40 feet of water. I couldn't dive all the way to the bottom. We also got to see a school of dolphins and I got to see a baby one too.

Everything was going great until this evening. I got a weird email and one of my friends said he needed time away from me. I also started to get depressed and had to cancel dinner with a great guy. I feel so bad, but I really didn't want to hang out with just anyone. My cousin Claire came over and I just had to express how I felt about everything.

We talked about moving back to Guam, intimate relationships, and other bothersome troubles we both had. Just talking to her helped a lot. I finally started to feel better. That and I started to pig out on food as usual. I'm still kind of craving some ice cream but that will pass. I think I just need to be sedated for a while.

I hate how people say that I seem like a stable kind of guy and I know how I feel, but the truth is that I'm just as complicated as everyone else. Sorry, it's just something a friend told me today since he's not in the same place as I am in life. It took a lot of work to get to where I am emotionally and mentally today. I've been through so much already.

Before I even turned 27, I have experienced so much and had to grow up sooner than I wanted. I started to help raise children at the age of 15, left home and joined the Navy at 17, was in charge of a ward at the age of 19 with 20 people under me, went to war at 23, had my life turned inside out at 24, and I had to re-start my life at 25 after getting out of the Navy.

Between all of that, I ended the best intimate relationship that I ever had. Up to this day, I still wonder if I made the wrong decision or not. I just couldn't put him through all the trials and re-shaping of my life. It was until I turned 26 that I finally started to get my life together again. The only way I can describe it is it was almost like being a cancer patient who thinks that his life changed totally because of his illness and there was a great loss. That's how I felt, but it was the death of my old life. Starting over is mentally and emotionally tough. I had to learn from my experiences, both the good and bad, and find a way to better myself and grow.

I went through the rough times and self destruction. It maybe different from everyone else's but to me it was still pretty tough.

I'm going to end this here, because if I don't I'll be typing out a book.

Later.

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