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I <3 IT

Why is it that the IT department has so many complaints? Maybe because they are so damn slow at doing everything. My team just got a new hire yesterday and she still doesn't have her computer. When she and my manager asked IT about it, the IT manager said that he technically has 21 days to complete the request for a new computer. What type of BS is that? Seriously the IT department here at my job really sucks when it comes to things. Or maybe they only work fast when it's for someone with more power.

My web administrator doesn't even want to ask for a new laptop, because he's afraid that it'll take weeks or months before he gets a replacement. First off, the laptop they gave him almost 3 years ago was pretty much a piece of junk. They should have given him a laptop that works. For a technology company, the IT department kind of sucks. I guess that's what all companies say about their IT department. Just got to live with what you got. Lame!

For the First Time...I Feel Wicked

I saw Wicked for the first time last week at the Paramount and I absolutely loved it. Sitting there watching this musical made me forget about everything...my bills, work, dating, and everything. I was so enchanted with the music and acting that nothing existed outside of the Paramount theater. It was simply amazing!

Sometimes I wish my life was like a musical with dancing, singing, and have a happy ending. It makes me want to be happy all the time. Who wouldn't want that?! Just watching reminded me of my childhood where my mother wanted my sister and I to develop our voice. Just what if I took a different route in my life when I was younger and truly worked on my singing. Would I have made it to some Broadway musical or sing in some night club? I've asked that question many times before and don't really have an answer for it. I love to sing, but not necessarily in the view of others. I don't think I have the confidence to do what the cast of Wicked does. I can barely belch out my voice even by myself. I feel like I hold back because I'm afraid and it makes me think that I've been holding back like that for most of my life. Why do I always seem to be embarrassed with things, even when there's no reason to be embarrassed?

I don't know... When I find the answer, I may just post it.

Dating in Seattle is like putting your hand into a bag full of scorpions!

I had dinner tonight with my friend Jimmie and we started discussing dating here in Seattle. He said 2 funny things about dating: 1. Dating in Seattle is like putting your hands into a bag full of scorpions...you never know who's going to sting you. 2. Dating in Seattle is like trying to find the smartest guy in the Special Olympics.

When he told me that I couldn't help but laugh my arse off. It made total sense. I haven't had the best dating track ever. I try to date older and they seem to be emotionally worst off than I am. I try to date younger and they seem way too immature. Then those who are in their "Peter Pan" phase, as Jimmie phrased it, who are slightly older, but just discovering the activities of single life for what seems like the first time. The funny thing is, it's just not here in Seattle. This happens with gay guys anywhere.

My friends Eric and his boyfriend Serg are totally the nicest and most genuine guys ever. It doesn't hurt that they are extremely good looking and modest about it for the most part. Those two found each other on a whim. I kind of wonder if I've just got too much bad karma in the relationship part of my life. Or maybe it's because I'm not in the Peter Pan phase of my life, but in the whole fantasy, love story phase that I haven't grew out of. You know what I'm talking about. It's the phase where you think that prince charming is out there waiting for you and he's going to come riding in a white house to come to your rescue. I just have to grow up a little and realize that that will never happen. Life isn't like a story book and my life can't be like my parents. My parents got married 3 days after they met and that's the only fantasy part of my life. I need to accept that and be more logical I guess. I always think with my heart and let that rule me.

I don't want to be a serial dater for the rest of my life. Sometimes it could be so frustrating when I see how love comes so easy for others. I encouraged my mother to start dating a little over a year after my father passed away. She was only out meeting guys for about 3 months before she met David, her boyfriend, and now they've been dating for almost a year. I joked with her one night that she needs to share her luck with love with my sister and I.

I'm still not going to give up on dating though. I just have to bring a ton of anti-venom stored in my medicine cabinet. LOL.

Turning 30 and single...well that's not all though.

Been alive for almost 30 years now and I've learned that life doesn't always turn out the way it's suppose to. I've always been a person that likes to map out my life and I've been doing it since I was 10 years old. If my life went according to how I planned things out, I would probably be a nurse practitioner or physician assistant by now, partnered, and owning a townhouse or condo. Well, I don't have any of that. Instead, I'm still single and working as a Web Content Administrator. I don't even own a condo or townhouse. I do own a home, but it's in Guam and I'm not ready to move back there just yet.

It doesn't bother me that I'm turning 30 and that I'm single at all. What does bother me is that my life turned in a direction that's nothing close to what I had planned. I know life isn't perfect, but come on universe work with me a little. I would be lying if I said I don't have any regrets, because I've made so many mistakes in the past. Heck, I'm still making them. I have learned from them and it's help me to grow to the person I am now.

If I had the chance to change the past, I probably wouldn't do it though. Only because the path that I took has lead me to some very great friends and it showed my how much my family does love me. I don't want to believe that my fate is predestined, but sometimes it's hard not to believe that some things happen for a reason. That sometimes people meet for a reason. Many of us wouldn't be who we are today if not for the people we've met in our lives. Some stay close friends and some have disappeared, but we've all learned something from those people we meet. We all learn from what we experience. Although, it may take a few repeats before we eventually figure it out.

All I know is that I'm so ready to leave my 20s. I know those years are suppose to be about exploration and I've done that, but I don't think exploration is ever over. I'll be 30 in 2 days and I still don't know what I want to be. I just hope my 30s will be even better than my 20s. In fact, I need it to be better. I really not prone to depression, but the last few days reality has been hitting me and it scares me a little. I guess I'm just hitting another revelation in my life. Geez, I've gone through so many of those.

The good thing that came out of this slight depression is that I've been able to reflect on my happier days and think about all my friends and family. I don't think I would have been able to go through life without them. I say come on 30s, give me your best shot. I made it through another decade and for the most part, I'm happy.

I'm turning 30 and I've been single for almost 5 years, but I'm okay with it. I fell in love once before and I'm sure I will again in this lifetime. I'm sure I'll probably go through at least one more career change and I'll probably go back to school again. I think I'll end up going back to school before I change careers or fall in love again though.

I'm going to be 30 and I'm happy.

Always the Good/Best Friend, Never the Boyfriend

Many people, mostly my friends, have told me that I’d make a good boyfriend, because I’m a caring, passionate guy with a little wild streak. As much as I’d like to think of myself the way they think of me, it makes it difficult to do so when I’ve been single for the past 4 and half years. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve gone out on dates and dated some guys short term, but never really got back into a relationship since the end of 2004.

Lately, I’ve realized that it was due to the fact that I never was completely over my EX. That may be true in part, but honestly I don’t think I would make a good boyfriend. Many of the guys that I end up actually having a crush on have become good friends of mine, but we’ve never dated. I’m nurturing toward all my friends and sometimes I think they end up thinking of me as a brother or father figure and...a BFF (Best Friend Forever) and not BF (Boyfriend) material for them. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t regret becoming their friend at all. My 20/20 hindsight as made me realize that it was a great thing we didn’t go passed friendship. Some of my close friends, whom I’ve had crushes on in the past, are guys that I’d probably throw off a bridge if I was in a relationship with them. It’s probably vice versa with them as well, because I know I can be a really B***h.

Although I hate to admit it, I’m still the hopeless romantic I was in the past. It’s just who I am and as much as I try to change it, it won’t ever go away. Some of my friend’s say that I need to be patient and then the right guy will come along. I’ve been patient for over 4 years already and he still hasn’t come. For the most part, I did fall in love once before and it was real. Not many people get a 2nd chance when it comes to love, but I hope that’s not true. I’m really lucky to have fallen in love once already, because not many people know what it’s like to have that.

In recent developments, I’ve currently met someone that I’m really attracted to. He’s really nice, but I don’t know what he really wants from me. Is it friendship or relationship? I don’t know. I guess what really intrigues me the most about him is that he’s unpredictable and I can’t read him. I’m really good at reading people and a lot of times I can read them down to detail. I’ve always been gifted with the understanding of human nature and people. Some of my friends think it’s cool, some are annoyed by it. I can’t read this guy at all. He’s a mystery to me, so it’s exciting yet irritating. It’s like his body language and emotions are at a constant change that I just can’t pick up on anything. My friend Dom says that I’m like Suki in True Blood and he’s like my Bill. How funny is that?! My life is being referenced to a vampire series on HBO, which I love by the way. Basically, he blinds me of my intuition (don’t like saying sixth sense, because it probably isn’t that). Now that could be a good thing, but can also be a bad thing. First things first, I guess I have to find out if he’s even attracted to me. Heck, I don’t even know if the both times we’ve hung out are actually dates or not. He does mention that he has a great time hanging out with me, but that just means I’m a fun person and not boy friend material. Also, I really hate the term, “There’s more fish in the sea,” so please don’t say that to me. The other on is “You can do better!” Really?! If that’s true then how come better hasn’t come along yet. Ha!

I’m not bitter at all. I’m just venting. I know love is out there somewhere for me and it happens differently for others. Besides, our relationships don’t usually turn out the way we intended. Some couples I know went from monogamous relationships to an open one and vice versa. People can’t really predict how their relationship will turn out. Some break up never to be friends again and others end their romantic relationship to become best friends. Some become best friends and partners. Ideally, many people would like to become best friends with their partners. I know I would.

With that said, I’m not giving up on love. I don’t think I can truly do that. It’s not in my nature, but I do love to vent about it.

Unforgettable....Andy Kilpatrick

Last week while on vacation and on a soccer tournament trip in Washington DC, I got voicemail messages from my ex's partner and my big brother. I realized before even calling my ex's partner back, that something happened to Andy (my ex). Andy had died two days before I got a phone call. I was shocked and could do nothing but cry for what felt like an eternity. I can only imagine how James, Andy's partner, was feeling.

Andy was an amazing person. He was the only guy I can honestly say that I fell in love with. The bond we shared was so strong, some may call it even psychic. He and I called it that. From the moment we met, it was like we completed each other. As our love grew, so did our connection. We could look at each other and know what the other was thinking. When one of us was sick, the other would someone sense it. Like most nerds, we tested it out one night. It was like we can read each others minds and emotions, which why we called it a psychic bond. It could also be said that we had a spiritual bond.

Andy used to write his thoughts on his website, which no longer exist. I just want to share with you what he wrote on February 20, 2004, sometime after we met.

"The next best thing. One of my biggest "vents" (not to be confused with a complaint) about being a Wiccan is that I believe very strongly that I must live my life consciously and actively. I cannot simply sit back and let my life happen to me, I must be an active participant. While at first this seems like a wonderful thing to most of you, it can be quite the burden. I have many days where I miss the innocence of my youth. I miss the lack of responsibility and the care-free attitude toward life. While I do realize that these are traits of being immature, I still long for them.

This intense amount of "responsibility" in life has lead me end up in long periods of intense loneliness. I sometimes feel I can be in a room full of people and still completely alone. I don't attribute this to my long bout of being single, but rather to the loss of innocence that comes with age.

Out of the blue, at last, finally... one night, not really that long ago, I met a guy for dinner. I was expecting it to be the typical "ho-hum"-can't-hold-up-a-conversation thing. (While pessimism is not a trait people normally associate with me, I do have my moments.) Much to my surprise and amazement, we clicked. By clicked, I don't mean that we just got along well, but rather we hit it off so amazingly. It was like the Angel's trumpets sounded and "Oh, sweet mystery of life at last I found you" ran through my head. He, unknowingly, brought me out of my slump and helped me to refocus myself on the things I have a passion for. He is my counter-balance and the person that I treasure the most. I am happy."

Andy changed my life after that night as well. I knew what love was and how it felt. What it was like to crave another human being who craved you as well. He was the closest thing to a soulmate that I've ever had.

Andy was my first and only Valentine. I remember drawing out Valentines for several days when we were together. I gave him small gifts and cards every day for 4 days before Valentines Day. I saved the best gift for Valentines Day, a tiger stuff toy with our favorite flower, orchids. These orchids were unique though, cause they were blue. We weren't a typical couple, so the traditional red roses or flowers weren't necessary. The symbol of our love was anything we wanted it to be.

For Valentines day, he made me go on a treasure hunt all over his apartment. I had to solve numerous riddles to get from one clue to the other in order to find my gift. I thought it was sweet in the beginning, but as the hunt grew longer I was slowly getting annoyed...in a good way. Andy always liked to push my buttons a bit. In the end, the gift was in the trunk of his car...Doctor Hatrick. Doctor Hatrick is a cat born from the Build-a-Bear company. I never worked so hard to get a gift and it was so worth it.

Even though our relationship didn't last, we still stayed friends. We shared so much love and pain, that we couldn't write each other off. He was there for me when I had emotionally detached myself from the world, even when I pushed him away. The connection we had never fully went away either. I used to dream of him whenever something was wrong and they were always true. So much time could pass between us, but whenever we talked it always felt like we never stopped talking. We always knew how to make each other laugh.

I remember asking him when we were breaking up if he could go back in time, would he still have gotten in a relationship with me? He told me that he wouldn't change a thing. He said what we shared together will always be special no matter what and that he will always want me in his life.

People need to understand that we were close, but not in the typical way where we would spend hours on the phone chatting everyday. We were close in the way that we can always talk about things to each other that we couldn't do with others. Secrets that only we shared....like a paradise that we created in our minds that no one else knew about. It was a place we went whenever we needed to see each other. It's really hard to explain, but it really doesn't need to be explained to anyone else.

Andy was full of love and laughter. It's really hard to believe that he isn't physically in this world anymore. He will always be in my heart and will never be forgotten. He's unforgettable!

Dating Equals Confusion

It's been a while since I've actually blogged, but I feel like it's about time. Especially since this topic has been bugging me since December.

My friends have been making fun of me because I've been this serial dater since 2009 began. Let's see I've been on dates with 4 different guys, which is usually the number of guys I go on dates with in a years time since 2005. For the most part, I chose to be single those 4 years because I was busy working and going to school. I do want to mention that I have tried getting into a relationship during my school years, but my busy schedule with school, work, soccer, and family obligations made it really difficult to date.

Anyways, it's time to go back on track here. Dating is so confusing to me. There are so many unspoken rules and games involved. For instance, if you get a phone number you shouldn't call the guy until 3 days later, so it doesn't seem like your desperate. Really? What if the guy things that your not interested or just an asshole for not calling. That's just one rule I can think about. I'm sure there are hundreds. Who comes up with these rules? I think it's stupid.

Don't you think dating would go much easier if people were just honest with each other? I would like to think that I'm an honest person, especially when it comes to dating. Heck, I'm pretty much an open book. The one thing I can't stand is the whole cat and mouse chase. Mostly all the guys I've met like to be the chased and don't like to do the chasing. It's like look at me, come chase me, but I don't want to chase you. Yes, it's nice to be chased, but at some point you're going to have to do a bit of chasing. For example, I may be too busy to call you for a few days, but that doesn't mean I'm not interested in you, I'm just busy. Heck you have a phone, why don't you text or call to check on me. Give me a break here.

The one thing I hate is a text message break ups. Why can't you be man enough to do it in person? Technology has really made people so stupid and impolite. Then again I can't be surprised, because there are people out there dating via text message, IM, and email these days. That's a topic for another day.

I'm really not bitter about dating. I'm just confused with the whole dating rituals. I don't get it. I'm also mentioning this because, if this last guy doesn't work out then I'm not dating for a while. I think I just need to take a step back and enjoy being single. I realized I haven't really done that in the past. I was always searching and I can admit that now. Geez, I think I just came up with my New Years Resolution. I know it's a little late, but I was never one to pick up on things quickly.

Bone Marrow Donor Program

I signed up to be a bone marrow donor 12 years ago for the Department of Defense right after boot camp and I got a phone call last Friday saying that I'm a possible match for a 52 year old woman with cancer that needs a transplant.