Unforgettable....Andy Kilpatrick

Last week while on vacation and on a soccer tournament trip in Washington DC, I got voicemail messages from my ex's partner and my big brother. I realized before even calling my ex's partner back, that something happened to Andy (my ex). Andy had died two days before I got a phone call. I was shocked and could do nothing but cry for what felt like an eternity. I can only imagine how James, Andy's partner, was feeling.

Andy was an amazing person. He was the only guy I can honestly say that I fell in love with. The bond we shared was so strong, some may call it even psychic. He and I called it that. From the moment we met, it was like we completed each other. As our love grew, so did our connection. We could look at each other and know what the other was thinking. When one of us was sick, the other would someone sense it. Like most nerds, we tested it out one night. It was like we can read each others minds and emotions, which why we called it a psychic bond. It could also be said that we had a spiritual bond.

Andy used to write his thoughts on his website, which no longer exist. I just want to share with you what he wrote on February 20, 2004, sometime after we met.

"The next best thing. One of my biggest "vents" (not to be confused with a complaint) about being a Wiccan is that I believe very strongly that I must live my life consciously and actively. I cannot simply sit back and let my life happen to me, I must be an active participant. While at first this seems like a wonderful thing to most of you, it can be quite the burden. I have many days where I miss the innocence of my youth. I miss the lack of responsibility and the care-free attitude toward life. While I do realize that these are traits of being immature, I still long for them.

This intense amount of "responsibility" in life has lead me end up in long periods of intense loneliness. I sometimes feel I can be in a room full of people and still completely alone. I don't attribute this to my long bout of being single, but rather to the loss of innocence that comes with age.

Out of the blue, at last, finally... one night, not really that long ago, I met a guy for dinner. I was expecting it to be the typical "ho-hum"-can't-hold-up-a-conversation thing. (While pessimism is not a trait people normally associate with me, I do have my moments.) Much to my surprise and amazement, we clicked. By clicked, I don't mean that we just got along well, but rather we hit it off so amazingly. It was like the Angel's trumpets sounded and "Oh, sweet mystery of life at last I found you" ran through my head. He, unknowingly, brought me out of my slump and helped me to refocus myself on the things I have a passion for. He is my counter-balance and the person that I treasure the most. I am happy."

Andy changed my life after that night as well. I knew what love was and how it felt. What it was like to crave another human being who craved you as well. He was the closest thing to a soulmate that I've ever had.

Andy was my first and only Valentine. I remember drawing out Valentines for several days when we were together. I gave him small gifts and cards every day for 4 days before Valentines Day. I saved the best gift for Valentines Day, a tiger stuff toy with our favorite flower, orchids. These orchids were unique though, cause they were blue. We weren't a typical couple, so the traditional red roses or flowers weren't necessary. The symbol of our love was anything we wanted it to be.

For Valentines day, he made me go on a treasure hunt all over his apartment. I had to solve numerous riddles to get from one clue to the other in order to find my gift. I thought it was sweet in the beginning, but as the hunt grew longer I was slowly getting annoyed...in a good way. Andy always liked to push my buttons a bit. In the end, the gift was in the trunk of his car...Doctor Hatrick. Doctor Hatrick is a cat born from the Build-a-Bear company. I never worked so hard to get a gift and it was so worth it.

Even though our relationship didn't last, we still stayed friends. We shared so much love and pain, that we couldn't write each other off. He was there for me when I had emotionally detached myself from the world, even when I pushed him away. The connection we had never fully went away either. I used to dream of him whenever something was wrong and they were always true. So much time could pass between us, but whenever we talked it always felt like we never stopped talking. We always knew how to make each other laugh.

I remember asking him when we were breaking up if he could go back in time, would he still have gotten in a relationship with me? He told me that he wouldn't change a thing. He said what we shared together will always be special no matter what and that he will always want me in his life.

People need to understand that we were close, but not in the typical way where we would spend hours on the phone chatting everyday. We were close in the way that we can always talk about things to each other that we couldn't do with others. Secrets that only we shared....like a paradise that we created in our minds that no one else knew about. It was a place we went whenever we needed to see each other. It's really hard to explain, but it really doesn't need to be explained to anyone else.

Andy was full of love and laughter. It's really hard to believe that he isn't physically in this world anymore. He will always be in my heart and will never be forgotten. He's unforgettable!