Video Collage of my nephew James Ryan

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Another One of Those Days

Working and going to school at the same time is getting very stressful and tiring. I know I only have about a year left to finish my BA, but damn it that feels like it's too far away. I can be done next Fall, but if I want to graduate with Greek Honors I need to wait until Summer to graduate. Is graduating Cum Laude really that important? I'm still trying to figure that out. I guess I should wait until this summer to decided if I want to continue torturing myself until Summer 2009 or just get over and done with my BA in Fall 2008.

Plus I'm starting to get frustrated with the company I work for, but not in the way that I want to quit or that I don't like the environment. It's just I've been here for 10 months as a contractor and it doesn't look like I'm getting any closer to being hired as a permanent employee. My bosses are great people and think I'm a valuable member of the team, but probably not enough to hire me. I've worked my ass off for them and have lead a few important projects, yet I'm still not worth being an actual employee. At least that's what I'm thinking since I have heard anything otherwise.

I just heard today that my boss would like to extend my contract and that he's looking to hire another contractor to help with E-Marketing. I swear companies don't like to hire permanent employees anymore. I think my bosses want to hire me, but they have to go through the CEO and some major bureaucratic tape to do it. Well, I think I'm so worth it.

For example, last week it was only the other contractor and I at work. My senior manager and manager went to Italy to train 2 other people that work with us on how to work the new web content management system. Before they left, they dropped 2 big projects on me. It was super stressful since I also had mid-terms that week. I was able to complete 1 of the projects on time and do a little extra for it. The 2nd on was another story, our director of marketing didn't like the new page we had developed for podcasts. It was so frustrating. First of all, I wasn't included in anything about the podcast until last week, so I didn't know what she envisioned of how the page would look. Either way, I still did the best job I could with the hectic notes that were given to me. I did my part on that job, but still had to wait on others to get their stuff done. Basically, I was working on 2 projects that should have taken about a month to complete in one week and I was a least able to complete one project on time, which was the most important one because it came from the CEO.

What do I have to do for them to hire me permanently? I'm going to have to come up with projects of my own and take more initiative. I figure I'd give them until next August and if they still won't hire me, then I'm going to find another job, one with that offers a good benefits package.

Whew! That was a mouthful. I guess I'm done venting.

Work and School and Work

It's been a stressful week and I wish I can say that I'm looking forward to the weekend, but I'm going to be doing homework. I'm starting to rethink doing this full-time work and school crap. My stress level has probably hit the roof more than twice this week. I'm tired, cranky, and caffeine doesn't do sh*t for me anymore. It feels like I've been going to school for 10 years already. At least I like the classes I'm taking, so there's a bright side to it.

I've been working as their Web Content Coordinator (Contractor) for Intermec since February 2007 and hoping that someday they would hire me as a permanent employee. The problems are, I don't have my bachelors degree yet and there's no opening in the web marketing team. It really doesn't make any sense though. There's 3 of us who mainly work all the global web sites and 2 of use are interns/contractors. I always hear how much they need us and yet they don't hire us on permanently. Or at least attempt to hire one of us, hopefully me. Although this contracting gig pays well, I really like to have job security and benefits would be good. One of the benefits they offer employees here is tuition reimbursement, which is what I need so I don't have to keep signing up for student loans. I like my job and the people I work with, but I don't like that fact that I'm expendable per se. The fiscal year is about done and hopefully they will offer me a job. I'd be extremely disappointed if they don't.

Another sad part is, I helped get my "pseudo" wife a job with this company and yet I can't even get a permanent one myself. I'm happy for her, but I'm also a little jealous. Although, I wouldn't want her job. *laughs*

Yesterday, I looked at a condo that I would absolutely want to buy, but I can't afford it right now. It's a sweet deal too and it's in a great neighborhood. If only I was making more money and my credit score didn't suck so bad, then I could actually afford the place. I think I'm going to start saving up more money after my trip to Sydney this New Years. Also, it would be a great Christmas present if I got hired on permanently at Intermec. *crosses fingers*

Anyways, I better get back to working.

For the better...

It's been a while since I last blogged. The last time it was about the guilt I felt over my father's death. I'm doing a lot better now than I was a few months ago.

Since summer has ended I started school again and changed my major. I was majoring in Management Information Systems, but I changed it to Interdisciplinary Studies with minors in business and psychology. It was a quicker program and I decided to get my Masters degree after I get my BA. I'm officially a professional student now with a job as well. Crazy huh?

I ended up going to Las Vegas last August for a reunion with my old high school friends and visit my family there too. I can't believe how much fun I had in just a week. I got closer to 2 of my cousins and met up with friends that I haven't seen since high school. The reason why we had a reunion in Las Vegas is because not all of us can afford to pay a $2000 round trip ticket back to Guam. Plus I was just in Guam for 4 months the year before.

I have some exciting news too. My bestfriend and I are going to Sydney, Australia for New Years. I'm so excited. I've never been there and I can't wait to see the place. He also called me tonight and asked me if I would mine flying to the Philippines with him for 3 days to visit his mother. He said he'll pay for the ticket and it'll be my Christmas gift. Um, it's a free ticket, so I said, "Hell ya I'll go!" Who says no to a free flight? Not me. Free = Good.

Now all I have to do is lose all the baby fat I've gained since this summer. Yes! I SAID BABY FAT! Hahaha. I started out dieting and exercising again. I just started last week and my body is totally killing me. I knew I was outta shape, but I didn't think it was this bad. Good new is, I just got an iPod Shuffle that I could use at the gym. Yes, I know I already have an iPod, but I don't like taking that thing with me to the gym. Plus I always forget it in my work bag, so I end working out listening to the music that 24 hour fitness plays in the speakers. I'm sorry, but not all Avril Lavine songs make me feel pumped up. I'm more of a techno, dance, and hip hop music type when it comes to working out. Hopefully, I get to see more definition in my body and a smaller waist size. Call me superficial, but maybe it'll help me get more dates with a toned body. Hahaha. Like I'm actually dating these days. Yuck! Ok not really "yuck" per se, but I'm over that for now. I kind of like being single and having no problems hanging out with whomever I want.

It's getting let so I better get my clothes ready for work tomorrow and get some shut eye. I need all the beauty sleep I can get. :P

1 Month

July 17, 2007

It's been a month since my father passed away. I haven't really cried since the day of the funeral. I don't think that its totally hit me yet. It really doesn't seem like he's gone. I sometimes come home thinking he's still here.

I dreamt of my father about a week ago, I went to go check in his room and he was there sleeping. In my dream, I knew he had died already, but I someone convinced myself that he was still alive.

My mother misses him a lot. She still cries at random when she eats something or sees something that reminds her of him. I still can't bring myself to cry. Mostly it because I don't want my mother to see me. If she sees me cry then she will cry too. For some reason she's blaming herself for his death and I can understand that, because I feel that it was also my fault that he died.

I was strict about his diet and kept him away from foods that he would love to eat. Sometimes he and I would argue about it. He once said, "How come everyone gets too eat good food, but me?" When I think of that I feel so bad about keeping foods away from that was not good for his diabetes or health.

Logically, there was nothing we can do. He had liver cancer and when we found it, it was way too advanced already. It just feels like I didn't make his passing very pleasent. My biggest regret was arguing with him too much instead of just spending time with him. I feel like I was way too busy to even pay attention to him. I love him so much and I kind of feel that he left without knowing how I feel for him.

I just feel like I to scream at the top of my lungs. I'm just so frustrated. It seems so unfair. If I could travel back in time, I'd spend more time with him. The saying, "Hindsight is 20/20," really sucks!

I love you dad and miss you very much!

My Father's Eulogy

Pete Nunez A.

23 June 1923 - 17 June 2007

My father was a great man. He had a big heart and was very unselfish. If you ever got a chance to talk to my father, you would know that he was an amazing story teller and entertainer. He had an unforgettable laugh. Now, I would like to share his story with you. My father, Pete Nunez Apuya, was born in Palompon, Leyte in the Philippines on June 23rd, 1923 and today we bury him what would have been his 84th birthday, June 23, 2007. He was the oldest son of Pablo and Marcelina Apuya. A few years after his mother died giving birth to his younger brother, his father re-married. His step-mother didn't want anything to do with him, so he ran away from home and lived with his aunt, his father's sister. She kept him hidden away from his step-mother who treated him like Cinderella. His aunt took great care of him, but was forcing him to be educated as a farmer. My father wanted more. He was always fascinated with the sea and wanted to be a sailor, so he left my aunt to pursue a new adventure. He later moved out of his aunt's house and looked for work where ever could. He struggled during this time. He was constantly working to survive. Sometimes he would sleep standing up because he was exhausted from working on job after the other.During World War II, he sought out a job with the U.S. military ships. His dream of traveling over the ocean had finally come true. During that time, he met a woman and thought he found the right one. He had a daughter, Lillia, with her and was very happy for a time. But he was always traveling for work and his fiancé didn't want a life where her husband was always away from home. While he was traveling for work, his fiancé met another man and decided to marry him instead. My father had his heartbroken for the very first time.My father spent several years traveling the globe on ships for the military, but he was mostly home ported in Okinawa, Japan. He learned how to speak Japanese and met many close friends there. Even with all his travels my father still searched for his soul mate and did not find her.He was a religious man and prayed everyday. He thanked God for all the good fortunes he was given, but he didn't have anyone to share it with. He still did not have a family of his own. Through destiny and the will of God, my father ended up in Guam. This is the part of his story where his true life fairy tale began. This is where he met a beautiful woman, Virgilia Labella Ronquillo (my mother), who was on vacation from the island of Truk. From the moment he met her, he knew that she was his soulmate. It was love at first sight for the both of them and they married within 3 days. (We joke around that they met and went on their first date on the first day, got engaged on the 2nd day, and got married on the third day). July 30th would have been their 32rd anniversary. My parents eventually had two children my sister, Ain and I. He had the family he always wanted and considered himself very blessed and fortunate. My father loved us so much that he wanted to give us everything he never had as a child, so he decided to travel to California to get a job with the Merchant Marines. He spent a year away from home waiting for this job. He sacrificed time from us to ensure that his family would have a nice home and future. He did what he had to do to make sure we were well taken care of. He also never got his daughter, Lillia, in the Philippines and constantly supported her and her family. When my sister gave birth to my nephews Michael and Matthew, I've never seen my father so happy. He cried tears of joy when he got to hold them for the first time. He was so happy to be grandfather again. He loved them so very much that he decided to move up here to help take care of them and be close to them. My father's face glowed with joy when my sister gave him a new grandson, James Ryan. You could see the joy in his eyes when he got to touch him. To him, his family was the most precious treasure he could ever have. He always wanted to be happy and close to each other, even on his death bed, he didn't want us to cry. On the day he died, he waited for my mother, my sister, and I to be there before he took his last breath to begin his journey to the oceans in heaven, where he will sail on great ships onto his new adventure with God.

Although, he is no longer with us physically, his spirit will live on in our hearts.

Loss of My Father

This past Friday, my father was diagnosed with advance stage liver cancer. The cancer spread to about 90% of his liver and there was nothing medical that could be done. At this point he already spent almost a week in the I Critical Care Unit. My dad, mom, sister, and I decided that we didn't want him to suffer anymore and have him pass on to the next life the natural way, so we decided to do a DNR (Do Not Resuscitate) order. He was then transferred to hospice where they would make his passing be as comfortable as they can.

Sundary morning around 0730 PST, he passed on to the next life. He would have been 84 years old this coming Saturday, June 23rd. Although it was so sudden, at least he didn't suffer for very long. Before he passed away, he was able to see his brand new grandson James Ryan "JR" Apuya Peper aka Red Peper and see me graduate from college. He died happy. In fact, he died this morning when my mom, sister, and I stood over him and prayed. He took his last breath right after we said, "Amen." We are planning to have the Funeral on Saturday, June 23rd, on his birthday. I will send out another email when the preparations are complete.He may be gone from this world physically, but his love and spirit will remain in our hearts forever.

Thank you everyone for your prayers and support through this tough moment.

Helpless and Baking Banana Nut Bread

My father is still in the Critical Care Unit and his health is still not what it should be. Today, the doctor told my mother that he wants to do a biopsy of my dad's liver and pancreas. The doctor wants to check for cancer since my dad's condition is a bit of a mystery. We know that his weakness comes from his low sodium levels, but that doesn't explain the wheezing in his upper airway and why he's has a elevated temperature. The good news, he was sitting up in a chair today and his strength is a little better. Bad news, they are still not 100% sure what is wrong with him. I just feel so helpless and it doesn't matter whether I'm at home or in the hospital with him. Even with all my past experience working the medical field, there's nothing I can think of that could help my dad. Right now it's his fight. All I can do know is pray and hope for the best. I'm a little scared, but I've been seperating my emotions at the moment as a defense mechanism.

What helps to keep me calm is writing on my blog, studying for class, and now baking banana nut bread. The banana nut bread helps to calm my mother down and right now she needs it. She's been crying most of the afternoon, praying and hoping for the best. It's been really tough for her and the rest of the family. For the first time in a long time, my whole family prayed together tonight. I almost cried.

Work has been really supportive and great. My boss tells me to focus on my family and my job will still be there when I return. I think I'm going to work tomorrow though, because that'll keep me busy and get my mind away from worrying too much.

Well back to studying and baking that damn bread!!!

Day 2 @ the Hospital

It's day 2 for my dad at the hospital critical care unit. He is doing a little better than yesterday. His speech is getting clearer and he's more coherent now. He's still very weak and has some audible wheezing, even though his lungs are clear. The nurse says he has pheumonia, but there hasn't been an accurate diagnosis.

I was able to go home today for a few hours, but came back to the hospital for the evening shift. My mother is coming to relieve me at 2230 and spend the night with my dad.

The nurses here are great. So far I like the 3 nurses that I've met who are taking care of my father. It kind of makes me miss the medical field. My fate has been chosen, so I can't keep thinking about that past.

Anyways, as I wait for my mother to arrive within the next 35 minutes, I figured I'd blog again. I hate that fact that I start blogging again when my life isn't going to happily. I guess this is my therapy. I feel more comfortable logging things when my mood is down.

The good new is that his labs are well and there's nothing out of the ordinary with is blood culture. His sodium levels are slowly increasing and that's a good sign. We don't want to drastically increase his sodium since it would not be very good for him.

I pray my father gets well soon.

Now I'm going to attempt to read my chapters since I'm already falling behind in class.

New nephew James Ryan (JR)

On June 6, 2007 @ 1409, my sister, Ain, gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. My nephew's name is James Ryan (JR), but my mom calls him Red. His last name is Peper, so hence the nickname "Red" Peper. He is so beautiful and I'm so glad that he is finally here. We've waited a long time for him.

Good to Bad Weekend

The weekend started out pretty good for me. My new baby nephew came home and he's so adorable. I went to my Everett Community Collgeg graduation ceremony on Friday. Did the whole "Yippee" I graduated thing and celebrated with my family and friend afterward. All was starting out great!Saturday afternoon, I played in the soccer invitational tournament. Vancouver B.C. and Portland players came here and it was a blast. It was so much fun. I even went to the party after the tournament. Hung out with some friends, met some new people and flirted a bit.Here comes the bad part....Get a call from my sister telling me to head to the Providence ER right away because my father is there. I drove like the devil on wheels from Seattle to Everett in 15 minutes. Glad I didn't get pulled over. After a few hours at the ER, my dad gets admitted to the Critical Care Unit (CCU). The sodium levels in his body are very low and that's not a good thing. The brain needs sodium to function correctly. I'm not going into the whole physiology of it. Basically, my dad is in altered mental status. He goes from being coherent to incoherent every few minutes. His speech is slurred and he twitches all the time and at high risk for seizure. To make matters worst, the doctor thinks he might have pneumonia, but the X-rays still say negative. Oh, I forgot to mention since he's been sick, his heart is slightly enlarged. Now I'm sitting in the waiting room outside the CCU because I can't spend the night in my father's room. I wish I could study for class but I can't seem to focus. Well it's late, I might as well get some shut eye. Later.