Stood up with chicken curry

The time is 2302 on the 30th of December. So, tonight I had plans with someone I really like, but due to him tutoring, he couldn't make it. Basically, I got stood up. He did end up finally calling at 2218, saying he just made it home and he's wiped out. The tutoring lesson that was suppose to last a couple hours during the early evening ended up lasting until later in the night. That sucks.

Being excited about this guy coming over, I decided to make his favorite dish, chicken curry. I haven't cooked like this in a long time and was worried I'd totally screw up dinner. Well, it didn't matter because I was the only one that ended up eating it. I made a whole bunch too. At least, I thought it was pretty good. It was probably a little to spicy, but that's the way curry should be like. I even went as far as making as authentic as possible. I made Indian chicken curry.

I'm not mad at him since the excuse why he stood me up is legit, but I can't help but be frustrated. My time here in Guam is short and I just wanted to spend a little bit more time with him. Is that too much to ask for? I hate thinking that I have such bad luck, but it's kind of hard not to. Well, I'm just taking what I can get and this is what I can get.

Being as lame as I am, I'm sitting here posting a new blog about how frustrated I am and watching Beauty and the Geek on MTV. Someone just smack me. Wow. They really found some geeky looking guys for this show. Did I mention that I'm a closet geek?! *laughs* Sorry, I had to change the subject, because I just want to be in a better mood. Hmmm...to think, I gave up Latino night at Denial just to get stood up and have a whole bunch of chicken curry in my frig.

Anyways, tomorrow is Friday or at least in less than an hour so, I'm hoping that it will be a good weekend. This Sunday signifies that I have a week left on island. I hope those gifts I ordered online get here next week before I leave so I can give them to my friends.

Ok, I'm done venting. I guess I'll just finish watching Beauty and the Geek now. Esta later.

Where's my "Dear Abby"? Where's my angel?

I really hate when I feel depressed. I always question everything in my life. I think too much and it really bugs me. I titled this entry "Where's my 'Dear Abby'? Where's my angel?" because many times I seem to be able to listen and help people with their problems, but I can never help myself. Everyone needs someone and I just can't seem to find that someone for me. I'm never comfortable telling people how I feel or what's bothering me. I just tell them bits and pieces, but never really tell them the whole story. I guess I'm just too embarrassed about showing my true emotions. Someone I met before told me that I'm very good at reading everyone's emotions, but I have a hard time dealing with my emotions. She really read me like a book. It's hard for me to understand how I'm feeling. My emotions are always so mixed up or incomprehensible.

A friend just recently told me that fate brought us back together and sent me to be her angel. That made me feel really special, but I can't help but wonder who will be my angel. For some reason, I'm feeling very emotional tonight. It's so bad that I can't sleep. I start thinking about where I am in life and if I'm headed in the right direction. I feel so lost.

I could go on and talk about all my failed relationships and state that I will never find Mr. Right, but that will just depress me even more. I could go on to say that I met someone here in Guam and that he's the type of guy I've always wanted to be with, but the story is going to end sadly. Or it could be one of the many flings I tend to get into before I leave every place I've been too. I'm enjoying every moment I spend with him, but it keeps reminding me that we can never go further than what it is right now....a fling. I'm leaving and he's staying. It seems like the fates or the higher power or whatever you want to call it, love to make me miserable and give me just a little taste of something I deeply crave for. I guess some things never change for me. I have to make the best of what comes my way. It's quite sad. I thought I had made up for my past mistakes already, but I guess karma isn't done with me yet.

I feel like I just want to be held by someone and just cry. The person doesn't even have to say anything, but hold me as I cry my eyes out. I seriously need to be heavily medicated right now or something. *laughs*

I'm probably just feeling this way because I'm leaving another place that I love and I was just getting used to being here. I'm always leaving or moving at the wrong time. For once I just want to feel like I have some control in my life. I thought blogging this would help me feel better but it doesn't. I better just try and get some sleep. Maybe I'll feel better in the morning.

So where's my F*CKEN Dear Abby and my guiding angel? HELP ME!!!

*FYI: I may be depressed, but I'm not going to do anything stupid so friends please don't be worried. This will past and I will be back to my jolly 'ole happy self or at least be a good actor and fake it. :-)

Crush on a gay? straight? or Bi? Guy?

*Due to DL (down low = discrete) status, the pic and this entry has been deleted. I got my answer and I'm enjoying every moment I can with him. :-)

If you refer to the entry about Romance before this one then you'll know that my predictions were correct about meeting someone before I leave. Leave it to fate to F*CK with me, but I can't really complain because I take what I can get and when you are me then you learn to live with it. I'll talk about this on another entry.

My knee...OUCH!

My soccer game tonight was a bit rough, at least it was to me since I got taken out. Some guy that I don't remember came sliding in toward the goal and crashed into my knee. The odd part was that the ball was no where near him or me and the referees didn't see what happened. What a F*CKEN joke?! ARE YOU BLIND?! Anyways, I'm all bitter about it because it's the 2nd to last game and I don't know if I'll heal in time for the last game next Sunday. Also, I doubt I'll be able to play indoor soccer this coming Tuesday and Wednesday. You know what that means? No CARDIO and I get fatter. By the time I go back to Washington, I'll be a blimp. YES, I'm gay. *laughs*

There was something good that came of the injury though. My crush since I've been here helped me to my car. He made me lean on his shoulder as I walked. Not only that he said that he would have piggy backed me, but it look odd to the people there watching us. *blushes* As he was helping me walk to my car, one of our teammates said we looked like a couple, of course I was wishing that we were. The crazy part was that he said, "Yeah, we've been dating for 6 years now and it's finally getting serious. Don't tell him but I bought him a ring." My heart almost skipped a beat at that point. *laughs* Also, he called me up on my drive home and asked if I needed help to go climb up my stairs at home. I mean that's just SWEET. Mind you, I totally live out of his way. I mean he would have to drive pass his apartments to get to my house. I have yet to figure out if this guy plays on my team or pitches for the other team or switch hits. Of course my friend Stella is very supportive and tries to convince me that he's totally into me. I just think he's a really nice guy. I ended up telling her that I'll only be convinced of him being interested in me the day he kisses me. It did make me very giddy though knowing that he cared about me being hurt.

Yeah I know, I almost sound like a school girl that's crushing. Oh well....I feel like it. *laughs* Geez, I really feel pathetic now. Why can't I meet a guy like that who I know for sure wants to date me? That would be awesome. I really hope that he and I could go hiking this weekend. Maybe if I wish on a star, it'll come true. *laughs*

Anyways, back to my knee. It hurts but I can wobble along fine without help. I can also feel fluid in the medial side of my left knee. That's not a good sign. I guess all I can do know is rest it and hope for the best. RICE= Rest, Ice, Compress, and Elevate. *laughs* Guess there's still a little bit of the medic in me. If I could do a knee exam on myself then I would, but by my personal assessment I think it's just mild sprain. I mean it feels a little stiff but I'm think that's from the swelling. Like I used to tell my Marines, "Here's some motrin 800mg and hydrate." Damn, it sucks being the patient.

It's late, so I guess I should head to bed. Maybe I'll have a premonition of what's to happen between my crush and me. *laughs* I wish!!! Good night y'all.

Oops before I go, below is a pic of my soccer team NO KA OI.

Absolutely Crazy

I've been having so much fun here in Guam lately. I recently got a new tattoo and it's awesome, but my arm is still sore. I made 2 more amazing friends, Leira and Nicole aka NicOmen, and they are the bombnizzy (don't know if this qualifies as an actual word, but who cares, it's my blog).



My soccer team is in 4th place and that's not bad at all considering we lost our first 2 games in double digits. The only sad part is that I haven't lost the weight I've gained since I moved back. It's ok though, because I'm plan on going on a new diet...it's called bulemia. I'm totally kidding.

I have about estimated a little over a month left here on Guam and I'm sad yet excited. I love it here and have some amazing friends here that I don't want to leave behind. I am excited about moving back to the Seattle area, because I have great friend there too. It doesn't seem very fair, but as my friend Matt says, "Always look for the good in things" and he's absolutely right. He's awesome.

The secret is finally out. My sister broke the news to my parents that she's pregnant. I'm so happy for her and I can't wait to see here. I just hope that I don't start having morning sickness with her like I did during her last pregnancy. That was horrible!!! Just horrible!!! *inside joke that only Kuya Chris and I know about* Horrible!!!

As my deadline here gets closer, I'm expecting to get my usual last minute fling. It always happens that way. I'm about to leave and then all of a sudden I meet a really incredible guy. That always sucks. Maybe it won't happen, but if it does then I'll just go with the flow.

Now I'm just ranting about nothing at all so I'm just going to end this here. Maybe next time I'll have more exciting news for my readers. Until next time....

NO Romance allowed....maybe?

It's been a while since I've made an entry on here, so many events had transpired between the last entry and now. Where do I begin? Well it actually depends on who actually reads this.

First I'll discuss men the men here. The gay environment here in Guam different from what I'm used to. Everyone is either bisexual or only gay when they are drunk. It's kinda twisted don't you think?! Oh well, what can I do?
I think the twisted environment here is due to the small community, Christian beliefs, and high family profile. Or the mentally, it's ok to be gay just as long as it's behind closed doors and no one knows...aka be in the closet. It seems like I had to put the "door back on my closet" again, after I've worked so hard to find myself after I came "out" 6 years ago. Oh, I almost forgot about mentioning the "I only hook up with guys who are leaving" part. You know it's really bad here when you have to resort to stuff like that.

What pisses me off is the games that are played here, lies and bullshit. Actually, that comes with most gay men, so I don't know why I'm mad when I should be used to it. I hear so many people say that they don't like to play games or bullshit, but it seems that I see more games played by them than anyone else. It would so much easier if people were just honest with each other, but this is the real world and it doesn't go that way.

I recently met a young white boy name Brad, whom my friends have nicknamed Lindsey Lohan. He may not be the drop dead gorgeous 10 out of 10, but at least he's really honest and comfortable with me. He's not afraid to tell me how he feels and that he likes me. He's willing to show me the affection I deserve. The personality he presents to me is what makes him handsome. Why can't there be more guys like him? The problem is that I'm leaving and I like someone else. *laughs* I always seem to like the guys who don't like me back. Story of my life. Which really shouldn't bother me at this moment in time since I've only got a little over a month left here in Guam. There's NO ROMANCE ALLOWED...maybe?

Anyways, I shouldn't care all that much about crushes or flings while I'm here. My time is short and I should just focus on having as much fun as I can and if by chance some fling or a little bit romance happens then it does, but if not then I'm ok with that too. Also, if sex wtih a cute guy comes along then that would be fun too. *laughs* Abmel Gone Wild? Ha ha ha Maybe....