I drove my mother around today to do her errands since she has been sick the past two days. During our drive, we talked about family issues from bills to me flying back to Seattle. My mother always thinks of my well-being first before any other issues. She told me that she trusted my decision whether to say for a year or return back to Seattle in December to finish up my school. It's a tough decision to make on my own and I just wish she would just tell me what she wanted me to do. I know in my heart she wants me to stay, but in doing so she's afraid I might end up hating her. I could never hate my parents. I owe them so much. A part of me wants to go, but another part of me wants to stay. How do I decide?
Another topic came up during our conversation. It was about TRUST. My mother and I have so much in common. We give our trust like it was Halloween candy, even though so many people have betrayed or taken advantage of it.
Here's an example: A long lost cousin from my dad's side of the family showed up at our when I was still in middle school. He asked my parents for help, but my dad was skeptical. My mother on the other hand, welcomed him with open arms since he is family. As months went by, he proved to be very trustworthy and everything was good. He even took it upon himself to make my mother's dreams come true and be the architect for the upstairs house I am currently living in. My mom and him designed the house together and he would take care of everything, all we needed to do was fork up the cash.
He didn't do such a great job. We've had to repair several mistakes that he made to the house. We also discovered later that there was purchased materials under my mom's credit cards that didn't go into building the house. Also, a lot of the expensive materials bought for the house were not used. We later found out that he saved a lot of the expensive materials and extra materials billed to my mom's credit card, were used to build his home.
Since the completion of this house, we've had to do a lot of rewiring and remodel parts of the house that just wasn't up to standard. It was or still is a complete mess. The original house that my mom self contracted the year I was born needed less maintenance as the current upstairs home that we put so much into. This is only one example of the many broken trust issues.
While growing up, I've had so many temporary guest living in my parents home because my mom wanted to help people and she trusted them. It came to the point that our family was extending by family friends and long lost relatives living in our home. My mother trusted each one of them and 90% of the time, it ended in betrayal.
Apparently, I've inherited the "too much trust" curse. Majority of my past relationships speaks for itself. I have never cheated on any of my relationships, but most all of them have cheated on me. I used to think it was all my fault. Maybe I wasn't good enough in the bedroom or maybe I took them for granted. I don't know. I thought I was being the best boyfriend that I could be. I let them go out with their friends without question. I cooked, cleaned, gave full body massages, and more...not just the whole housewife crap. What's trust got to do with it anyways? I believed or still believe that when in a relationship there shouldn't be a trust issue. Maybe I'm just too much of a hopeless romantic. I've tried to be more logical and realistic like an ex told me, but how I can I do that when I'm ruled by my heart. My mother tells me the same thing. "Don't let your heart rule your decisions, use your head. That's why your brain is above your heart."
This is getting to long, so I'll stop right here.
