1 Month

July 17, 2007

It's been a month since my father passed away. I haven't really cried since the day of the funeral. I don't think that its totally hit me yet. It really doesn't seem like he's gone. I sometimes come home thinking he's still here.

I dreamt of my father about a week ago, I went to go check in his room and he was there sleeping. In my dream, I knew he had died already, but I someone convinced myself that he was still alive.

My mother misses him a lot. She still cries at random when she eats something or sees something that reminds her of him. I still can't bring myself to cry. Mostly it because I don't want my mother to see me. If she sees me cry then she will cry too. For some reason she's blaming herself for his death and I can understand that, because I feel that it was also my fault that he died.

I was strict about his diet and kept him away from foods that he would love to eat. Sometimes he and I would argue about it. He once said, "How come everyone gets too eat good food, but me?" When I think of that I feel so bad about keeping foods away from that was not good for his diabetes or health.

Logically, there was nothing we can do. He had liver cancer and when we found it, it was way too advanced already. It just feels like I didn't make his passing very pleasent. My biggest regret was arguing with him too much instead of just spending time with him. I feel like I was way too busy to even pay attention to him. I love him so much and I kind of feel that he left without knowing how I feel for him.

I just feel like I to scream at the top of my lungs. I'm just so frustrated. It seems so unfair. If I could travel back in time, I'd spend more time with him. The saying, "Hindsight is 20/20," really sucks!

I love you dad and miss you very much!